sharing a few realizations

i've given you all a grand facade here most of the time. i try to convince you all that i'm so strong and perfectly fine with all that passes through my life and it all goes right over the upper layer of my skin.

but it's all a lie. i'm not strong. i'm not strong in anything but my mind and even that hasn't been exercised in months. i've given into so many things these past few days that I HAVE NEVER given into. i won't go into details because i don't wish for anyone to lose the the smidgen or respect that they might have for me but i've been a bad girl.

i've also not given people who i am. i start out, when i meet someone, with me. i give that person me and i woo them with that and then i give into my insecurities and become some other person.

but starting today i'm me. i won't go around hiding my intelligence from you. i won't go around hiding my talents from you. i won't go around acting like an ass because that's what you expect. i'm going to start over here and be who i am and in that i hope not to lose pete [or anyone else for that matter.]

yes i am an emotional slut. man to woman.. woman to man that's what i do, it's my biggest flaw. but if the ship has sunk why swim around in the cold water, waiting for it to come back up? after writing an email last night and saying just how i felt in a journal entry kinda pulled me out of that water.

i don't feel so cold anymore. i don't feel so wet with my tears. i enjoy that.