"i read his old e-mails and i want to cry," i told sarah over my shoulder as she sat on brandon's couch reading my book, the virgin suicides.

"you are so fucking flippy," she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"what???" i exclaimed turning around to face her, slightly hurt by her comment.

"all i hear is 'he's girl crazy' or 'he's better off chasing after the cute girls then wasting time with me' and then you say things like 'i read his old e-mails and i want to cry' or 'i wonder what he's doing right now' . get over yourself. you don't need anyone because you're not in the right mindset to be with anyone. you just want someone. you also just want someone to be totally infatuated with you."

i didn't respond to her and turned back towards the computer.

"don't get angry at me," she pleaded, "but you know i'm right."

she wasn't right. but i didn't waste my time replying to her. she had her misconceptions just like i had mine.

"do you want to go get coffee?" i asked a few minutes later.

"do you actually want to talk about this?"

"there isn't much to say," i shrugged as i got up from the computer chair and stretched out my body.

"then i guess i should just go," she growled, grabbing her bag and standing up.

"what is up with you sarah??"

"you are fucking yourself up with all these guys and infatuations and feelings you can't handle. i watched you ignore your reflection in the mirror before when you brushed your teeth. i watched you eat one plate of french fries all day yesterday. i watch you. i watch you because sam and your mother can't yet and all those people you 'know' on the internet can't watch you. lord knows if they even would know you well enough to watch you if they were around you, in the physical sense," she blurted out, angrily.

she stood there, out of breath, her hands on hips and her eyes burning into me.

i fell, into a sitting position, where i stood and sighed into the silence. she quickly sat next to me and wrapped her hand around mine.

"i just don't know what to do."

"when are you leaving?" she asked, pushing my hair behind my ear.

"sam and oliver are going to be here on wednesday. we'll probably leave on friday."

"good. get out of here and stop wasting your time on all this boy crap."

i nodded and we stood up quickly.

we threw on our jackets and walked quietly to my car and as we came within a few feet of it, she grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"do you know what friday is?" she asked.

"umm the 21st?" i mumbled, counting clumsily forward in my head.

"sierra died on the 21st of april," she sighed, glancing up at the sky.

"more of a reason for me to go to canada," i sighed, as memories of last year flooded into my head.

"why?"

"sierra loved canada. she always tried to make me go with her during spring break."

"i wish i had known her better," sarah shrugged as we continued our walk towards my car.

i smiled, weakly and unlocked the door for her. as we slid into the car and i turned it on i sat there, wondering.

would people be saying that about me when i died or if i died suddenly like sierra? would the people who gathered at my funeral be saying 'i wish i had known her better'.

i guess it's hard to let everyone know you as much as some people..but still.. i hope not.