it's kind of like kicking yourself in the ass.. this putting your life on the internet thing. it's like saying "here i am, watch me" and you don't expect anyone to respond. just to watch. like a movie.

sure you can yell at the screen or complain about the movie afterwards to your friends but you can't go directly to the director or the person who wrote the screenplay [unless you're really well connected] and complain about plots, characters or the script.

but on the internet you can go to the person who wrote what you didn't like. you can go to the person who wrote about you and say "hey thanks" or "i didn't agree with what you said."

when i first started my journal, many moons ago, i wrote a disclaimer. it basically said:

what i write is how i feel. do not ask me to change how i feel. do not tell me how i felt at the moment i wrote it or try to figure out how i felt at the moment i wrote it.

i will write things that are irrational. i will say things that aren't always thought out and processed before i put them down on paper [or my virtual paper]. i will probably make some of my readers angry or hurt them. but i'm sure that there are people out there who i will inspire.

but i don't do this for anyone but me. do not try to censor me. do not offer your opinions. i do not want them. i will not read them.

i do not do this for you. but i do hope that it might inspire you.. or it might intrigue you.. or i might move you..

but even if i don't.. i'll still keep doing this. and i'll do it for only me.

everyone can say evil things about what i wrote yesterday or any day for that matter. my inbox was full of people telling me 'what i shouldn't have said' or saying that 'i seem pretty full of myself' and for a moment it bothered me. i thought "hey, i'll delete the entry or i'll write a retraction. it was a spur of the moment thing. it wasn't meant to be mean."

but as i compsed a response to someone who had written me i realized...

fuck you. these are my thoughts. this is my head. this is my space on the internet. this isn't your space. i sit here infront of my screen giving you my world and you dare to tell me what i can say or suggest to me what i said should be deleted?

there are a lot of people on the internet who don't say things because they fear hurting someone's feelings, even if what they want to say is how they truly feel. what i say to those people is say it. let your inbox fill with hate mail or words of encouragement. don't do it for anyone but yourself.

because that's when you lose a grasp on who you are. it took me this long to realize why i was lost. it was because i felt this need to make the whole world ok with what i had to say. but that's not how i was raised and that's how i want to be seen. as an edited person. the person who kisses ass and hides how she feels.

i will continue to say what i want to say. i will do it with tact. i will not be exceptionally evil.. but i will be me. i will not be the me i once thought i had to mold myself into being.

say what you want to say and i'll say what i want to say.

moral of this entry: i will not edit myself for anyone, especially you.