it was 7:30 and kevin had directed me to some random house where cars were flowing out of the driveway and into the street. i parked at the end of the long line and felt my stomach start to churn. i hated going to places where i didn't know 98% of the people. i hated it with a passion.

everyone fell out of my car and i looked around to find sarah. she appeared to the left of me and i grabbed her elbow.

"i'm going to die," i whispered and she laughed.

we followed oliver and kevin as they treked up the long driveway and suddenly i was in a crowd of people. there was a flood light somewhere that was illuminating the driveway and i felt eyes on me as we made our way to the front door.

people here knew sarah and kevin so i felt safe as people acknowledged them. we eventually made it inside to a very nicely decorated living room and i leaned against sam who was drinking in the very loud situation.

"hey yana, meet greg," i heard oliver yell somewhere in the people around us and i turned to be faced with guitar boy.

he reached his hand out towards me with a smile and i accepted it. as his hand touched my skin i melted. it was the rough yet soft kind of skin a musician might obtain after years of abusing their hands with guitars and drums.

"i wanted to meet you," he leaned down and spoke directly into my ear, "because i figured you would never come and talk to me."

i glanced up at his blue eyes and realized he was right. i would probably have never spoken to him. he was gorgeous, he played music and he dressed well. i probably would have never crossed a room to engage him in conversation.

"yes i would have," i lied with a smile as he offered me his ear to speak in to.

he pulled away and smirked at me. he looked a lot older then i rememberd and he smelled like wool and granola. i swooned over granola boys. they were in abundance in my home town, the boys who ate lunch at provisions, the natural food store and wrote poetry on the backs of their thesis papers in college.

"you played really well the other night," he moved his body closer to mine as someone wished to move past us.

"thanks," i said, "so did you."

what a dork i am i thought. "thanks, so did you"? was that the best i could come up with?

we then stood there for the next half an hour talking. we babbled about nothing and laughed at each others stupid jokes. it was the typical 'pick up' conversations that i usually hated but his eyes were saying more to me then his lips were.

he then quickly excused himself and i found myself alone, surrounded by no one i knew. i didn't know if i should leave where i was standing, in case greg returned, or go off in search of oliver or sam or sarah or someone else i knew. it was then that oliver suddenly appeared infront of me.

"who is he?" i demanded, grabbing oliver's arm and cringing at the smell of alcohol on his breath.

"i knew him when i was in high school and when he graduated we kept in touch," he responded, way too loudly.

"how old is he?" i wondered out loud.

"24 no wait 25 no..i dunno." oliver laughed, obviously already drunk and stumbled away from me.

"I'm 24," greg said suddenly from behind me.

i spun around to face him with a smile planted across my face and he returned the smile.

"but i act 12," he assured me, handing me a glass of clear liquid.

i nodded and glanced down at the glass. i didn't want to smell it, for fear that he would think that i thought he was druging me but i didn't want to drink it and find out it was alcoholic.

"it's water," he nodded, sipping on his own glass.

i smiled and pressed the glass against my lips, glancing up at him as i swallowed. he watched me as we drank and suddenly glanced down at his watch.

"there's a band going to play outside soon, you wanna go watch?" he asked, motioning for us to move from where we were standing.

i nodded and followed closely behind him. it was then that i realized what a jerk i was. here i was with a crush on a guy i hardly knew. the only thing i knew was that he was interesting, very very very attractive and loved music. i always looked down on my friends who got quick crushes on random people, even boys/girls they never talked to. but i did the same thing. i was a jerk.

i let the thought fly out of my head as we fell into the crisp cool night and he reached behind me for my hand as we entered into a large crowd.

"take my hand. i don't want to lose you," he called, without looking behind him and searching over the crowd for a space.

the band on the stage were tuning up and as we pushed through the crowd i felt bodies pressed against mine, suddenly we stopped and i fell against him. i didn't want to move, he smelled so good that i wanted to keep my face in his back.

but he pulled away from me and let go of my hand. we stood there in silence, glancing at each other and suddenly the band started playing. they reminded me of elliot smith with a little bit more angst as they pounded out akward notes but i enjoyed them.

i felt greg watching me on occasion but i kept my eyes on the band and tried not to blush. but when i felt his eyes on me again the red flooded my face and i tried to ignore him as his face drew closer to mine.

"i would tell you you're very cute but i figure you're one of those girls who doesn't like it," he yelled into my ear over the music.

i nodded and smiled, not looking at him.

i was that kind of girl.

he was the first boy to ever realize that without me having to say something and well.. usually i don't say anything.

i wrote his number on the back of my hand a few hours later, a usual practice when i don't want to lose something or forget about something.

i had once written many boys numbers there. they all had faded into my skin by now and as i handed greg back his pen he smiled and grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him in the now-dark driveway.

in that split second he pressed my body against his, lifted my head to his and kissed me. his lips pressed against mine and they were soft. oh.. they were so soft.

i pulled away from him blushing and made my way to the car where everyone was waiting for me.

i felt so guilty as i drove away. i was a jerk. not because i didn't plan to call him and not because i didn't want him to kiss me..but because i felt as if i was using him to feel more free and that he was like this stepping stone to me feeling like the me that i used to be.

but as the car passed by the driveway and i saw his shadow standing there, alone and i glanced at his number on my hand i felt warm.

no longer did i feel cold like my usual interactions with men..

i felt..so..warm.

----written to dynamite hack's boyz in the hood. that i got from phishtail.com a site that is new on my 'sites that i adore' list.----