conversations with my mother lately just seem to bring me into this deep, wallowing, hole of sadness. my simple questions about my grandmother, brother, father and various other family members is nothing but bad news.

"mimi's memory is getting worse," she sighed. mimi was what we called my grandma due to a slight slip by the oldest grandchild and my cousin, laura.

"should i call her?" i asked, pulling agnew's little warm sleeping puppy body into my lap.

"to be honest honey, i don't know if she'll remember who you are."

i choked back the tears and nodded.

"your uncle asked me to ask you to call him."

"is he ok?" i sighed.

"he's lonely."

so am i. i thought, petting agnew as his little puppy eyes opened.

i pressed the off button on the phone, after we had said our good-byes, so very, very, slowly. as i heard it shut off my eyes erupted into tears and i sat there, a tiny and fragile puppy in my arms just crying. my lips were shaking and my head began to throb with the all too familiar pain of crying.

i never got to say good-bye to my grand mother before she started forgetting all the big important things, like her grand children and even my grand father.

i tried to dial brandon's apartment, hoping oliver or sam was around to talk. but the numbers flooded together, swimming in a pool of my pain and i let the phone slide out of my hand and onto the floor. the beeping began soon after, the phones way of trying to remind me that i didn't hang it up. that's when i screamed, ever so quietly, causing poor agnew to shy away from me.

the older i get the worse it all seems. the younger i was the easier it was to not know anything because no one told me anything. life was so easy when i lived a life of blissful education and friendship. it was all so much easier before i met boys and before i was considered an adult.

i never asked to be an adult. i never wanted to deal with all of this. but everyone looks to me for some sort of answer as if my iq or my education can answer it all. but why now? why me? why this?

i just wish that i had all the answers.. do you? tell me.