i remember being 15. i stood in the darkness of my back yard, my bare feet mingling with the wet grass. we were watching comets streak across the sky. the people around me were ooing and ahhing. the group consisted moslty of my brother and his friends. they laughed about things i only slightly understood and my brother joked that perhaps i shouldn't hear their conversation. they shrugged and patted me on the head. i was like their little sister. they were all at least 5 years older than i was. some even older.

it would be three years until they realized i was a real woman. they would then engage me in conversation as i read the new york times in the marble countered kitchen and some would dare to ask me what i might be doing later that night. i laughed loudly at them and i would retreat to the living room. the more daring ones would follow me there. the humble ones would stay where they stood until i would venture back into the kitchen or my brother pulled them out of the house to look for "girls their own age."

years later i would find myself in love with one of my brother's friends. right in the middle of a messy break up he would come to my rescue and save me from a lot of pain that, at that time, i didn't have the strength to deal with. he bought me purple flowers and tucked me into bed at night. he stole my heart but i had never told him exactly how i felt..

i came home last night to find massive amounts of mail and found a letter from him late last night around 2 am. i opened it quickly and died as i read his all-to-familiar handwriting.

i'm getting married in september.

the words bled through the paper onto my heart. married...

james was getting married. my james was getting married.. the boy who never knew that i loved him was getting married.

i began to wonder when i would be sending out those invitations and those letters that say "I'm getting married soon, i hope you can come".. i know it won't be soon but still i wonder. will someone i invite be mumbling "god i loved her so much.. and now she's getting married?" these are the times i wonder what i'm suppose to do. what i'm suppose to say..

i know that i'm suppose to say "congratulations. i'm so happy for you."

but sometimes those words just don't come out as easily as they should...