it was easy to sleep in his bed every night knowing that he wanted me there. it was easy to cook him dinner and clean up after him because i knew he appreciated it. but it was hard for me to get out from under the shadow of a relationship he had just ended. it hadn't been a year since it ended of even six months but more like two months.

they were both still very attached to each other mentally. i knew why they had broken up and it was obvious that they weren't ever going to be together again except as friends. the wound in his heart was still fresh, wet, and i only added a slight sting to it when i would hand him her mail.

they had lived together for two years.

so when he said to me, only minutes after coming in through the front door, that he thought we should 'just be friends for now.' i didn't even blink an eye. i hugged him. i smiled. it didn't hit me in the middle of the chest like i had thought it would, because deep down i knew something like this was going to happen.

we are both to weak to carry on the highly emotional state of our relationship. i need things he can't give me and he needs things that i can't give him.

"i don't want you to leave," he insisted.

"we can't be friends if i sleep in your bed at night," i laughed.

"so you and brandon aren't friends?"

he was right. but i still decided to go back to santa monica for the weekend [for more than my uncle]. the clouds and rain of seattle have clouded my brain. i need to get out from under this halo of sadness and into the warm sunshine. i need to wear tank tops, skirts, sandals and clear my head.

i only hope to come back as a freshier, happier, more understanding person. the person i used to be.. the person i want to be. just.. me.