i've been resisting the urge to scream at you. i've wanted to grab you by the chin and force my unspoken words on you. there's nothing i have said or that i can say that will help you understand. i don't embrace life when it's rough like the rest of the world. i don't touch souls like anyone else you know. i am not always sweet, understanding or perfect.

i am uncertain. i make you sad. i keep you coming back for more. but i don't know why. -i-want-to-know-why-. i want to know all the answers to the questions that i never got around to asking. but the only way i'm going to ever know any of those answers know is by breaking into your head and sitting there, reading the words on your screen and touching the grey mush that makes up who you are.

i find myself wanting to yell for hours at your unshaven face. i know you can't hear me. but even if you could you couldn't or maybe you don't want to hear me. but there is also the possibility that i'm the one who caused you to turn a deaf ear. i know that i am the one who pushed you away from me. i know that i am the person who went off, met someone else and totally clicked with that person. but i wasn't the only one. yet i still feel guilty. why the fuck do i still feel guilty? what the fuck is it about you that makes me feel so bad for clicking with someone who is totally fucking amazing?

i know why i feel so fucking guilty. because i clicked with you and i found you totally amazing. i still do. but despite what i think, you've come to this conclusion that you can't converse with me anymore and that reading about my life here is enough. well it's not enough for me dammnit. maybe what i have done has hurt you and i've apologized for that or at least i've tried to, here, because i know you at least read this.

but even if you don't read this.. maybe someone else does.. maybe someone else can help me stop thinking about what i never learned about you or even enlighten me on why i'm dwelling so much on all of this. you're not dwelling on this or at least i don't think you are. so why am i? why can't i just continue to keep my eyes ahead of me and stop looking back at everything behind me? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. i just.. don't know.

do you?