ahh.

don't assume i'm ok.

let me tell you that i'm ok.

i'm fucking ok man. really i am. i'm so fucking ok. and i'm saying that with a big ass smile because for the first time in the last few weeks..

i'm ok.

and it's really an insane feeling that i can't describe. it's.. crazy. just like me.

i really am crazy

please ignore previous post. in reality i was insane. i was at work. i was yelling at some stupid cgi script and trying to make sense of my own html. sad: the fact that my html is so messy i can't even understand it.

but there is really something that needs to be said about working with real design people. it seems these days that people think they if they can make a few crappy images in photoshop, put together a few tables, make a few break tags and throw some randomly hosed php or asp stuff then hey you're a web designer! but no. you're not. NO really.. YOU ARE NOT. it takes much more than the ability to know that red clashes with pink [yes red clashes with pink. we are not creating a todd oldham or betsy johnson web page here] to say you have design sense.

i hate going to websites and being sick and wondering "are these people blind??" and then the big question is.. "how much did you charge your client for this web page from hell?" i mean really.. some people are so .. argh!

html whores is what they are. they open up dreamweaver or adobe go live [haha that program SUCKS] and they use some crap and create more crap from the helpful buttons on the side and really the page looks like it was kicked in the nuts when you view it in netscape. which pisses me off. i hate when people say "oh fuck netscape" it's like saying "oh fuck the client." you're not creating a webpage for you to wank off at.. you're creating a web page for money, for someone else. someone other then yourself. god! argh!

can you tell i've had an impossible day at work? and it's not anything to do with my boss or the work or anything like that. she's great the work is so fucking easy. i just.. i hate HTML. i hate it today. it's so pointless. if i didn't have blogger i wouldn't even have a webpage. i'd just fill my hard drive up with this crap.

but now it is time for my three hour, post work.. bath.

do not mind my ranting.. or my raving. i am fine. just tired.

i'm so tired but i don't really care.

at work we listen to NPR.. you know.. the diane rehm show or public interest with what's his face, kojo nnamdi. don't worry if you don't know who he is or she is. don't worry if you don't know what the hell NPR is. i won't hold it against you.

but i enjoy it when i'm tired because i hear things only half the time. my boss is australian and we talk about the sad affair of american politics and ideals. i enjoy it because she sees all the stuff i see. she's older than i am. so i know i'm not crazy.

or maybe all australians are crazy and she's crazy and that makes me crazy. but really she's not crazy, just a little tense. but we're all tense around here.. we think that the diane rehm show and kojo nnamdi make us less tense because we're learning something but in reality it doesn't. all we hear is the bad news and the bad stuff and that just makes us more tense. but we like to dilute our emotions around here.. at least i do. i don't think dianne does.

but she gets to go out to lunch and i get to stay here with the big monitor and my cold garden burger and my orange juice in my ceramic mug. so maybe it's the driving and getting out of here tha makes her not insane and makes me insane. maybe it's the layout i keep having to fix for this stupid vanishing textiles site. all the updating just when i think i'm done is going to kill me.

i'm insane.

are you picking me up today? you.. you know who you are. are you? because i'd like to see you.. just call. i'll be here. i'll be here with my ceramic mug i drink too much juice and water out of. the one you bought for me on sunday.

i'm really tired. can any one tell? i really do sound insane don't i.. but really.. i'm not. i'm just tired. i was up late. were you? maybe you were.

all i need is sitting here with me.

there's a certain joy in looking out the window at the dismal gray sky and watching that slightly dirty black car pull up into your driveway and fill your previously gray day with a sweet, warm sunshine.

it's worth all the work to be happy.. just for a few hours. because it's my time now.

and no one can take that away from me. not even you.

conversation.

"i've decided to keep my clothes on in my relationships until i know that the person i'm going to take my clothes off for is THE one."

"that's a good way to keep yourself from getting hurt. not."

"it's not about keeping myself from getting hurt. you can't keep yourself from getting hurt."

"live in your room forever."

"or a basement. would you come visit me in my basement?"

"of course. make sure the cats and beans in the can are there. they are required for basement living."

"you know me so well, don't you?"

"you mean i know you well enough to know you were going to go on about living in a basement with four-legged animals and eating beans out of a can? of course i know you that well."

"not many people do."

"yes, but i'm not one of those people."

"obviously."

"i love you, you know that right?"

"don't say things you can't take back. you can't take that back."

-silence-

"i'm sorry."

"it's ok. i know where that comes from. i just wish that place didn't have to exist."

"one day it won't."

"that day is when?"

"when i'm naked and finally let myself be with a boy again. that's when."

"i'll keep my fingers crossed, for good luck and such."

"for you or someone else?"

"no, i'm crossing them for you."

"oh. i will too then. i need all the luck i can get."

weekends shouldn't have to end.

i used to love those diners with the music jukeboxes at your table. they were the kind with cheesy music on it that you would play and pretend you didn't know the names of. i remember one night last year allie, bryan, j.c. and i. sat at a really small table drinking coffee in upstate new york punching in random song numbers with our change. then we sat there and bryan and i would sing the madonna lyrics under our breath while people at the tables near us would sing along with us.

this diner wasn't like that. but i liked it anyway.

sometimes when people come to visit you for a weekend and you haven't seen them in over a year and a half you just want them to leave because in reality your whole weekend, based around them, was a big problem. but as this weekend came to a close i didn't want him to leave. i wanted to keep him locked in my guest room until his roommate called or his mom. but that wasn't really possible.

so we sat with my friends drinking coffee at this diner i used to love last summer. the waitresses knew my name, they still did. they laughed at all the boys i would bring in there and when i stopped bringing jason in.. or when i brought jason in and then brought in someone else the next day i would get raised eyebrows. they liked jason. he ordered the same thing in the same way every time we came. they even put his order up before we got inside.

they made non dairy creamer castles and i watched the decaf coffee in my cup laugh at me. i kept wishing the hours to stop moving forward. i was happy for the extra hour we got from daylight savings time, even though no one really noticed it. i felt happy, safe, and sane when i was with him; not them, but him. because he talked me into reality and happiness.

he's one of those people you're glad you were in love with because they are your friends after it all. he's one of those people you're glad you do love because his love isn't the kind that will break you no matter how intense or thin it might get.

sometimes i think i talk out of my ass, like right now.

i just wanted to say i wish this weekend could never end.. but instead i went into some long ass description of nothing. but that's the way my happiness feels right now.. it feels like this endless roll of words that mean nothing.

happiness doesn't have to have a defined description or a destination does it?

i want to be a tree..

i didn't remember if i had shown him the tree when i first met him over a year and a half ago. it's this tree near a pond across the street from the hokey pokey gas station that charged way too much for gas. so after we saw the really bad sequel to the blair witch project and he spent way too much time talking to my mother i took him there. to the tree.

it's not an impressive tree and it's not even a beautiful tree. it's a strong tree. when i first "met" this tree it was so close to death. it had a very large cut almost all the way around it's trunk. a few more inches and it would be tree toast. but years later it was healthy and growing bright green leaves in the spring and creating an autumn landscape in the fall. i guess i admired this tree because through all the hurricanes and bark "beatings" it's taken it's still standing.

unlike me where one "beating" and i'm down on the ground crying my eyes and and wishing my tormentor death. i can't even get up and fight unless someone makes me.

so i took him to this tree.

i don't bring anyone to this tree. only people i admire.. people who are worthy of the tree.. people who get up after the fight and want to fight again. they are willing to fight again. they still have the urge to fight and even people who want to try and help me be like that tree. people who think i have the ability to be like that tree.

he was one of those people. he deserved that tree. he was that tree.

so we walked around it and i touched the rough bark and smelled the cold air.

"it's suppose to snow tomorrow," he pointed towards the sky.

i nodded and i leaned against the tree as i watched him walk circles around me.

he was a tree and i was the mushrooms that grow at the base of the tree. mushrooms at the base of a tree are bad you know.. they suck the life out of your tree until it's nothing but mush and you have to take it down. but the mushrooms just want to be loved.. or they just need something.

i made a plan last night to evolve into a tree. not because i can but because i have to.. mushrooms don't live forever but trees.. they have the potential to.

i'd like to have some potential, one of these days.