i remember being 15. i stood in the darkness of my back yard, my bare feet mingling with the wet grass. we were watching comets streak across the sky. the people around me were ooing and ahhing. the group consisted moslty of my brother and his friends. they laughed about things i only slightly understood and my brother joked that perhaps i shouldn't hear their conversation. they shrugged and patted me on the head. i was like their little sister. they were all at least 5 years older than i was. some even older.

it would be three years until they realized i was a real woman. they would then engage me in conversation as i read the new york times in the marble countered kitchen and some would dare to ask me what i might be doing later that night. i laughed loudly at them and i would retreat to the living room. the more daring ones would follow me there. the humble ones would stay where they stood until i would venture back into the kitchen or my brother pulled them out of the house to look for "girls their own age."

years later i would find myself in love with one of my brother's friends. right in the middle of a messy break up he would come to my rescue and save me from a lot of pain that, at that time, i didn't have the strength to deal with. he bought me purple flowers and tucked me into bed at night. he stole my heart but i had never told him exactly how i felt..

i came home last night to find massive amounts of mail and found a letter from him late last night around 2 am. i opened it quickly and died as i read his all-to-familiar handwriting.

i'm getting married in september.

the words bled through the paper onto my heart. married...

james was getting married. my james was getting married.. the boy who never knew that i loved him was getting married.

i began to wonder when i would be sending out those invitations and those letters that say "I'm getting married soon, i hope you can come".. i know it won't be soon but still i wonder. will someone i invite be mumbling "god i loved her so much.. and now she's getting married?" these are the times i wonder what i'm suppose to do. what i'm suppose to say..

i know that i'm suppose to say "congratulations. i'm so happy for you."

but sometimes those words just don't come out as easily as they should...

it was easy to sleep in his bed every night knowing that he wanted me there. it was easy to cook him dinner and clean up after him because i knew he appreciated it. but it was hard for me to get out from under the shadow of a relationship he had just ended. it hadn't been a year since it ended of even six months but more like two months.

they were both still very attached to each other mentally. i knew why they had broken up and it was obvious that they weren't ever going to be together again except as friends. the wound in his heart was still fresh, wet, and i only added a slight sting to it when i would hand him her mail.

they had lived together for two years.

so when he said to me, only minutes after coming in through the front door, that he thought we should 'just be friends for now.' i didn't even blink an eye. i hugged him. i smiled. it didn't hit me in the middle of the chest like i had thought it would, because deep down i knew something like this was going to happen.

we are both to weak to carry on the highly emotional state of our relationship. i need things he can't give me and he needs things that i can't give him.

"i don't want you to leave," he insisted.

"we can't be friends if i sleep in your bed at night," i laughed.

"so you and brandon aren't friends?"

he was right. but i still decided to go back to santa monica for the weekend [for more than my uncle]. the clouds and rain of seattle have clouded my brain. i need to get out from under this halo of sadness and into the warm sunshine. i need to wear tank tops, skirts, sandals and clear my head.

i only hope to come back as a freshier, happier, more understanding person. the person i used to be.. the person i want to be. just.. me.

i've been resisting the urge to scream at you. i've wanted to grab you by the chin and force my unspoken words on you. there's nothing i have said or that i can say that will help you understand. i don't embrace life when it's rough like the rest of the world. i don't touch souls like anyone else you know. i am not always sweet, understanding or perfect.

i am uncertain. i make you sad. i keep you coming back for more. but i don't know why. -i-want-to-know-why-. i want to know all the answers to the questions that i never got around to asking. but the only way i'm going to ever know any of those answers know is by breaking into your head and sitting there, reading the words on your screen and touching the grey mush that makes up who you are.

i find myself wanting to yell for hours at your unshaven face. i know you can't hear me. but even if you could you couldn't or maybe you don't want to hear me. but there is also the possibility that i'm the one who caused you to turn a deaf ear. i know that i am the one who pushed you away from me. i know that i am the person who went off, met someone else and totally clicked with that person. but i wasn't the only one. yet i still feel guilty. why the fuck do i still feel guilty? what the fuck is it about you that makes me feel so bad for clicking with someone who is totally fucking amazing?

i know why i feel so fucking guilty. because i clicked with you and i found you totally amazing. i still do. but despite what i think, you've come to this conclusion that you can't converse with me anymore and that reading about my life here is enough. well it's not enough for me dammnit. maybe what i have done has hurt you and i've apologized for that or at least i've tried to, here, because i know you at least read this.

but even if you don't read this.. maybe someone else does.. maybe someone else can help me stop thinking about what i never learned about you or even enlighten me on why i'm dwelling so much on all of this. you're not dwelling on this or at least i don't think you are. so why am i? why can't i just continue to keep my eyes ahead of me and stop looking back at everything behind me? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. i just.. don't know.

do you?

i made sure to paint my nails before we went out. my nails had been killed by the constant abuse i inflicted on them when i was trying to write a song or play it on greg's guitar. they were chipped and cracked. the nailpolish was a good way to hide it all, just like when i smile to cover up my pain and uncertainty. no one can really see what's underneath and i've come to enjoy it that way.

i knew greg was somewhere behind me as i pushed my way through the crowd. this was the house we had first met each other in and the smell still registered on my nostrils. it smelled of wood and alcohol but i was more in search of water or sarah. i found the table filled with bottles and bottles of named and anonymous drinks. suddenly he was at my side and he showed me into the kitchen.

"water," he pointed to the contraption on the fridge and handed me a glass.

"thanks," i nodded and put my glass underneath and pushed, fresh water falling out from somewhere inside the fridge.

that was when he kissed me. i had been avoiding it due to this cold sore that was forming on the side of my mouth but he kissed me anyway and i tried not to pull away from him too quickly. when he finally let go of my lips his eyes met mine. he looked hurt. i didn't know what to say.

he put his cup down and stared at me. it was then that the kitchen suddenly got way too loud and we were surrounded by people. i took his hand and pulled us away from the rowdy group of people. as we exited a pretty girl with green eyes approached us.

"hey greg," she smiled, yelling over the loud music.

"hey karen," he yelled back, holding my hand tighter.

i looked back and forth between them and i noticed her body language. she was interested in him. i could tell how she adjusted her tight navy blue shirt and the way she scratched her face. i could smell it in her smile and i wanted to run away from the two of them. let her have him because i was obviously not doing anything for him.

she suddenly exited from our area and i felt greg's lips against my ear.

"that was the most evil look i've ever seen anyone give anyone," he whispered.

i touched my face quickly, afraid of what my subconscious had done. it was relaxed and there was obviously no expression on my face. i didn't ask what i had done. i wanted him to think i knew what i was doing. but.. i didn't.

we spent the next few hours standing in the midst of his friends. they were people i didn't know and mostly men. they occasionally asked me a question but if they didn't speak to me i didn't speak to them. they talked about guitars, girls, books and their bad jobs. i felt their eyes on me occasionally but didn't waste my time exchanging glances. i had always felt out of place in large groups of people i didn't know. this was no different.

it was then that suddenly sarah broke through the ring of greg's friends and grabbed me. i hadn't seen her all night and the image of her made me want to cry.

"come with me, " she grinned and pulled on my hand.

i reached up to greg and kissed him. i kissed him hard and with passion he hadn't experienced from me all week. i don't know if i did it for all of the people who were watching. i don't know if i did it because i was so happy to get away from his friends. i don't know why i did it, but i did.

for the next hour all i thought about was that kiss. why had i decided at that moment to kiss him like that and why i hadn't kissed him like that in the kitchen? sarah commented on my distraction and all i did was nod. i had come to love her friends, a group of bubbly and highly sarcastic women and i laughed randomly at their commentary but i didn't partake in it. then suddenly i excused myself and went to find greg.

i saw him, the blond karen suddenly in the group around him and she was laughing. he wasn't talking to anyone and was staring blankly at the ceiling.

i pushed my way through all of his friends and made sure to make contact with karen. greg's head snapped to attention as i entered into his few feet of personal space.

i kissed him again. i wanted to kiss him this time. then he kissed me back, knowing that everyone was probably watching us but we kissed. as we kissed, i realized we hadn't kissed like this in forever. i'd been so preoccupied with myself that.. i forgot about how nice it was to kiss him and how much stress it relieved. when we eventually let go of each other i felt lighter and happier then i had in the past few days. we then stood there staring at each other, slight grins on our faces.

i could see in his eyes that he had obviously accepted my apology. our lips had met, exchanged grievances, apologized and made nice in those few minutes that we had kissed.

i might have said that i was sad that we couldn't have fought or said the words that we had been thinking in our heads all week. but this was easier for us to handle.

maybe it wasn't the most mature way to handle it all.. but we are both new at this so we're making our own rules. it's easier that way.

dear boy,

i wonder if you read this still. i knew that every day you would come here and read my life and i loved that. you seemed so interested in what i had to say or what words would spill out from my page. sometimes when i didn't have much to say i would still post something, just for you. you didn't know that.. but i did it just so you could know what i was thinking or doing that day.

now i stare at your name on my buddylist and i know that we don't talk anymore. it's my fault and i know it. but when i'm looking for someone to talk to.. someone who isn't going to give me a biased opinion, i think of you. you always offered your ear to me, just for me to talk. but now that it isn't there.. and now that i can't talk to you or don't have the courage to talk to you.. i feel lost.

it's so weird how when someone isn't there you tend to realize how much they added, no matter how small, to your life.

i miss you. i'm sorry.

i know the words don't mean much.. but they're all i can really offer right now. i hope that you can accept them.

xoxo
-yana

i have no more words to say.

i cry. i think. i have no idea where i'm going to be living in a few months and i'm so scared. i am so totally scared to be so uncertain.

i have no one to talk to. everyone has some sort of biased opinion. i feel so alone.

i make sure to cry when no one is looking because it's easier that way. i smile and pray that someone will see the pain in my eyes and ask me what's wrong. i write with a twinge of pain in my words for hope that someone will read it and reach out and grab my shoulder, ask what's wrong and let me talk.

but no one has so i continue to smile and laugh. the hardest part? the laughing. it hurts more to fake a laugh then to fake a smile.. for what reason? i don't know why..

but i don't know a lot of things lately..