i'm always sick

ulcers.. are the most horrible things that can plague the human body. i hate them.. they're horrible. i want to cry :(

midi files are from the devil

note to self: never type in someday.org because you're bored. never. especially not when your sound is up way too high.

i now have a serious facial tick i think.

it's way too early to be awake

everythng is bleak.
it’s the middle of the night.
you’re all alone and
the dummies might be right.
outside, the darkness lurks.
my music at work.

i think the whole world has gotten it's britches tied in a knot about this whole napster thing and i decided to make one more comment about it.

everyone who is complaining about it sounds more like spoiled brats then people who believe their freedom of speech has been violated. well sorry it hasn't. every time you download a song, me included, you are kinda stealing.

but what price do you pay for a song? that's my only problem with it all. you can buy a 10 song cd for 16.99 then you pay 1.69 [without tax] a song. but you can buy a cd with 18 songs for 13.98 and then you'd be paying .73 cents a song. so really the record companies are retarded. [i'm going to ignore commenting all the COMPLETE cd recordings offered on the internet and such because that is just WRONG and we all know it.]

but when it all comes down to it: before napster there was the mp3 and after napster there will be the mp3 so lets all stop pouting and move on.

if the state of music today is sisqo's thong song... then hit me over the head and leave me to die in some ditch.

if i had you on my icq list.. you should add me again or something. i'm too lazy to add people. if you want to talk to me.. i'm there.

i'm just really lazy..

just to keep a record: i was right. please note i like being right. it's a nice feeling :)

what i don't get about people..

if you don't like what you're reading here or if you don't understand it .. or if i bore you so much...

why the HELL do you keep coming back? grr.

last night, with no computer to distract me, i had conversations. i came to a few conclusion about myself.. they might not be as great as ruzz's but still.. now if only i could stop filling up my 40 gig hard drive with crap and write about it..

but i'm not as open as some people to sharing my faults and conclusions about myself with the world so.. maybe later.

wanna here a really fucking funny story?

litestep fucked up yana's computer. yana lost her restore disk for windows. yana has to go out and BUY A NEW FUCKING COMPUTER.. with money she DOESN'T HAVE because well she has to finish a project. yana loses everything on her hard drive.. including stuff she's had since she was 14. yana is pissed. yana loses all files, graphic programs, and html that she formly had. yana cries. yana doesn't even have ICQ

yana begs anyone for help.. yana will now die. [let us thank the lord for matt who still has all the project stuff.. yay matt]

obviously not everyone was as excited about SDRE playing tonight and since i will not and have never gone to a show alone.. me and kevin are going to customize my computer.

crystal is the main part of my inspiration. she introduced me to lite step. fuck work. let us make my desktop cool.

pardon me while i get really pissed off:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY??

ok.. i feel a bit better now. thank you for bearing with me in this trying time. bleh.

i.. umm just got a blue mountain card from. richard. it has to be richard.. only richard knew the whole penisal thing. i'm rambling for no reason because i can. i also registered emotionalslut.com at namezero.com just because i thought it would be taken. it wasn't.. now namezero and i own it for two years. kinda cool heh :)

your human curiosity will always overrule your human convictions. trust me on that one.

kiss (ks):
1. a caress or touch with the lips
2. a slight or gentle touch
3. a small piece of candy, especially of chocolate.
4. a drop cookie made of egg whites and sugar.

i told him not to suck me into his world of cotton candy and lollipops. maybe it was a world of chocolate and cookies. either way it was just what i needed.

who's playing at the palace tonight? who? SDRE? no way. who's playing at the whiskey on saturday? WEEZER? no way. who's playing at the glasshouse next saturday? J.E.W? OH MY LORD.

i love summer.. there's just so much music, everywhere there is music. i can't live without it. i love it. yay for music.

napster, the word, has been blogged over 180 times in since 8:17 last night [PST]

a few highlights --

the first post (?) -- diluted.org/jennifer

the 100th post of the word napster (?) - steal this blog

poke-friends are outraged: Bulbasaur bulbasaur saur bulba bulbasaur bulbasaur.

canadians scream out the age old saying: "--something-- good. federal judges bad."

but what i don't get.. we all know that most people have heard about the napster shut down.. but why are we so upset? it's not the only mp3 trading source. the owners just got caught PLOTTING to overthrow record companies and "the cd". damn those to do lists.

but still i mourn the loss of napster.. now where will i steal my music from? the record store? must.get.bigger.coat. mmhmm.

confessions of an emotional slut and shes NOT sorry. oh what a bad girl.

i enjoy watching The View. not because it's informative or anything they want it to be but because it's so fluffy.

i also enjoy their website. check out that skirt on lisa ling haha.

i'm easily amused.

assume \As*sume"\ - to be arrogant or pretentious; to claim more than is due; to suppose as a fact;

or as i would say.. to make an ass outta u and me.

i was just thinking about this exact thing....

umm where did jenn go? i bet the secret service found her out and made her delete her blog because it was some sort of "conflict of interest" or thought she was going to give out al gore website secrets.

i'm such a dork for wondering.. heh.

i miss my baby ferrets in new york... now they're not even babies anymore.. and i doubt when i get back there that they'll remember me.. that's depressing. i like to think that they're in new york with my mom, sleepin in my bed, sniffing through my dusty things and wondering when i'm gonna come home..

but they're not.

did i ever mention i had ferrets? no.. i don't think i have. but it doesn't matter..i miss them.. :(

i think they sell soap so well these days. i have lime shower gel and somehow they make it sound so good.

Juice up your cleansing routine with this revitalizing soap-free shower gel, containing lime extract and zesty citrus fragrance. Your skin enjoys the benefits of refreshing green tea extract and soapwort extract, a natural cleanser.

now who wouldn't want to be that clean? but the reality is soap does the same thing.. does it not? yup it does.

Death: the high cost of living is such a nice comic related thing to read while avoiding working. i so missed reading this. especially near the end.

When you get to be alive, even for a day...well there's only one way to stop living.

i dunno but it gets me every time.

umm i dunno but i think some people have way too much free time.

oh miss. credit card.. thank you for helping me to purchase clothes i don't need. thank you for not being like my mother was when i was 14 and asking me "do you really need that skirt?". thank you so much miss. credit card. thank you.

macromedia should rethink their name and just call themselves macrapomedia

cotton candy and lollipops are so, so bad or you.

if my life were tv show what would i call it? survivor? maybe.. because lately i feel that's all i'm doing, surviving. i'm not living, though i try, i'm just surviving. oh well.

i just emptied my bank account to pay my phone bill and i am currently living off the good graces of my roommate so that i don't die of malnutrition. how cool is that? woohoo.

it's so odd how relationships can change at the drop of a hat. someone can go from being this great dynamic character in your life to remaining perfectly static and .. just not there anymore. sadly i have no idea how to handle it all.. i'm pathetic.

sunny days where have you gone?

lovestruck cinnamon lip crayon. i own it. i payed for it. i use it on a semi-regular basis. just an observation.. if you don't get it.. it's ok. i understand.

"when i let go of your throat sweet throttle
when i clean the lash of your black belt model
will i catch the moon
like a bird in a cage?
it's for you i swoon
i'm always in love."

6 am to 12 pm. hours and hours of staring at macromedia flash.. hours and hours of staring at graphics. hours and hours of screaming at my computer and to certain people on the phone. hours and hours of realizing i have talent that i have NEVER used here.

will i ever? no. that's too much effort for something i don't get paid for. one day this thing i'm working on will be displayed to the rest of the world. i bet you can't wait.

this is the part of me that needs medication.

as if it's not already clear to you,.. i'm an emotional slut. what does that mean? think about it.. get back to me.. it's not that hard.

g'night world.. i'm sleepy.

dinner was expensive. ill never pay 2.60 for a regular old coffee ever again. i hate when places do that. note: men/boys/women with table manners are so nice.. well except when someone *coughkevincough* let out a loud burp.. well that wasn't so nice.

but still happy birthday to sean.. what i didn't mention it before? ok i'll admit i didn't know till umm 7:42pm. but still any happy birthday is still a happy birthday, right?

personal revelation of the day: i'm a bad friend. i'm the worst kind of friend to have.. trust me on that.

don't tell me you actually write a journal entry yana? YES YES I DID! woohoo. i found something to say.. too bad it's just to diss on myself. but still.. i think it's nicely written. i guess.

some days i have so much to say.. and other days i'm just lost for words.

beep beep.

tonight i asked kevin if he'd ever called a woman a ho, slut .. etc. he told me no and i laughed. how was it possible that he hasn't? most men have.. i'll admit i think most of the men in my life have called women that in my presence. but kevin stuck his ground and said he never has..

when i asked him why he told me:

"that woman i might decide to call a bitch, ho or a slut just because she wants me to buy her a drink, give her affection and raise her self esteem is someone's sister, daughter an maybe even someone's mother. i'd beat the living daylights out of someone if they disrespected my sister that way, so i refuse to go along with the social "norm" and call any woman that. it's disgusting. it's animalistic. it's almost caveman like."

at first i thought he was joking or trying to get on my good side but he wasn't.

i can see now why kevin is my friend. disregard how much of a crackhead he is and his bad habits of knocking everything over and he'd be perfect haha.. :)

some people, like me, just use html to create an interface for sharing their ideas or experiences. you know basic tables, crap my mom could create. but some people share their ideas through the html they create.. or something like that..

or maybe i was just trying to create an interesting way to say i think this is very beautiful.

i will reach inside me and get the real yana out. i will show her to the world. i will let you see her. i will.. i promise.

i've never had a hero before.. i think i may be discovering one inside you. thank you..it gives me hope.

if life gives you lemons and you're suppose to make lemonade.. what if life gives you tomatoes? do you make ketchup?

5 hours of sleep and still i can stand.

i put my fingers in my ears because i don't want to listen. i put my hands over my eyes because i don't want to see. i smother my lips with my palms because i don't want to speak.

i just want to be. that's it..

if, as my best friend says, i like the things that are bad for me.. why does it feel soo good when i'm doing it? granted it feels bad when it's all over but everything feels bad when it ends..

so why do all the bad things feel so.. soo good?

hmm now i sleep.

writing journal entries are so hard, sometimes. especially when they're about lost love. but it's good because you get to open up your soul and let it all fall out. i just open it doesn't crawl back in while i'm busy sewing up my wounds :\

i hate people who try and tell me how to punctuate my journal entries, these entries, anything i write. punctuation is part of my "artistic license" or whatever you want to call it.

if i want to denote a pause by typing .. then let me. if i decide not to use a comma then let me. i hate people who act like the "grammar police". i went to school albeit a new york state school of education but i know what a period is and so on. i don't need to be told what it is. i may act like i'm in 4th grade sometimes but trust me.. my SAT scores, ACT scores and everything inbetween denote i am not an idiot.

thank you..

i would also like to mention that three is the magic number. so vote for it damnit! :)

ok i had to update a post before.. i did. yay for me.

i watched snow falling on cedars and it only enhanced my distrust of the american government. i had never heard about japanese war camps until i was studying world war II and i remember my mom teaching me so much about it. i think i was around 14 when i learned about them and i was sickened by america's actions taken during that time.

my roommate was born in a communist country and came over here when he was just a little boy [smuggled out and his parents got political asylum here] and he had to become a citizen so he has a lot of "pride" in america or whatever. a lot of people who become citizens here are proud because they know the evil of other countries that supress your freedome of speech etc. i agree we are lucky to be able to make movies about the evils of america, say mostly what we want and print what we want but i for one do not see that as a reason to make america so "great".

i watch the patriot and laugh at america's disgusting patriotism [while they ignore the fact that the freedom they were fighting for at that time was only for white men] then i watch snow falling on cedars and mourn the lack of remorse people have for what their relatives had done. putting people in camps.. taking away their posessions and then asking their men to go to war for them? god..

in america as long as you blame everything on paranoia and lack of education it's all ok... that makes me sick.

[note: i'm not trying to overlook the evils of slavery and how america was also evil to native americans but this is mostly a rant about a movie i had seen.]

just one more little question

you ever want to just erase something you did that was foolish or something you got into way too fast but know you can't? you know that from now on it's written into your history and when you go back and look on your life you'll be forever forced to look at what you did and wonder why you let yourself do it..

am i crazy? i think so. fuck php and fuck html and i'm gonna go drink cold lemonade.. and be happy.

i went around dissing "blogging" or whatever you want to call this about a month ago.. now i realize why i "blogged". it's so much easier to expose a nerve or yell on the internet on a webpage then it is to say how you feel in an e-mail or face to face to someone.. you can always delete a post after you feel better .. or the person you're ranting about might never read it..

i have a whole month worth of anger left in me.. now i go watch snow falling on cedars.. yay. bleh.

thank the lord for nice people like crystal telling me the project page was blank or i would have never fucking known. i don't know how it got blank but still..

i dunno. i'm way too stressed out. never again will i offer to help someone with a web page.. no matter how much money they offer me. EVER AGAIN. it's way too fucking hard to get something perfect for yourself let alone someone else. damnit.

i hate getting e-mails from people that are upsetting. it's like what did i do? when you don't know what you did but the tone of the e-mail is just evil. the worst part is how do you reply to those e-mails? do you smile and ask "hey what did i do?" or do you just ignore it and hope they got it all out of their system?

why do all my problems revolve around e-mail these days?? :\

i added a poll because i really am that bored. it's the ultimate boredom poll. don't cheat.. what would be the point?

i needed to say that this site is just.. very nice. i dunno if it's the colors or the whatever.. but it's nice and it looks the same in netscape as it does in IE. sweet.

someone inform me as to why i was outside for an hour and now i want to faint? why the hell is it so fucking hot out? oh yeah it's july. i keep forgetting that.

how bored am i? very.

why do i get anxious before i open an e-mail? i'm shy, granted [yes i am shy damnit]. but it's as if the person who wrote the e-mail is behind me watching my reaction.. i hate that. but still i love e-mail.. send me some.

i agree with ariel. i also hate that commercial with the girl who talks about going to visit her sister in college and she's got that annoying curl thing sticking out of the side of her head. i want to kick her in the head.

i like how they portray women so happy when they get their period.. as if "oh yay i have blood coming out of my body!!! i'm so fucking happy!!!!!!!!" yeah ok. whatever. i've never had the urge to dance in a leotard on the beach when i have my period. it's all false advertising!

ok now i'm gonna go outside. yay.

i hate people who try and tell me they use notepad to create their pages and then you go and see their source all their tags are all uppercase which is usually what a cheapass html editor would do. i'm not here to insult all the people who do press caps lock on their computer and TYPE ALL THEIR TAGS LIKE THIS. but still if you use an html editor don't be ashamed.. for god's sake.. it's just html.

i also don't understand why people can't close their html tags and why people don't understand how to end a head tag.

i also don't understand why people use style sheets and don't assign a body color and a basic text and link color to their pages. [i'm ragging on myself here because i always forget to assign a body color and basic text and link color cus i'm a dork]

aryn is so silly. i don't have free time.. that's the sad part.. :\ i just don't sleep heh. doesn't everyone love the green doctor scrub color aryn has going on over there today? for some reason it reminds me of that tainted love song commercial in the hospital and umm yeah..

ok did i ever say i was sane? no i never did. i went to bed at 8 am and woke up at 12pm. grrr... i hate doing work for other people. :\

i love brushing my teeth. i have to stop myself sometimes because it's so relaxing and it feels so good.. haha i'm such a dork.

when will the insanity end? when when when?

there is no love tonight.. no love at all.

i've been looking for this book i read last summer. it's about a two girls who move from somewhere to long island with their mother to live with her boyfriend who owns a limo company. the mother gets cancer and she dies.

anyone know what book it is? i want to buy it again or something. e-mail me if you know.

all the beautiful people on 3rd street were so nice today. even the homeless people weren't as scary as they usually are. i shall try and forget how kevin knocked over a whole pile of books in the art books place.. because he doesn't count.
you know what i like to do? i like to check out people's designs in netscape and see how netscape worthy they are.

like eb looks ultra cool in IE but the cellpadding fucks up all the menus in netscape. it pisses me off what netscape does to html.

can you tell i'm tired and bored? and i have mega amounts of work to do :\