i'm so lonely i don't want to be with myself anymore.

one of my latest purchases, due to depression, has been the dido cd no angel. it actually has some very fitting songs that go along well with my life. i'm surprised at that. most cds i buy during fits of depression are n*sync cds or maybe even britney spears cd like cds. where they all sing about the joys of love. dido of course sings the truth about love and how much it sucks.

oh and also in my fit of depression i went and i bought a car. the sales lady looked like an old math teacher of mine. she was so nice.. i wanted to buy her car. i think i did buy the car. i think i'm picking up my car on monday. oh yeah i am. damnit.

where are you george? i miss you george. i haven't talked to you since your birthday. where are you?

"i'm no angel, but please don't think that i won't try and try.
i'm no angel, but does that mean that i can't live my life?
i'm no angel, but please don't think that i can't cry.
i'm no angel, but does that mean that i won't fly?"

it's e-mail..

i always forget to check my e-mail. i guess i'm not used to getting anything from anyone. well except from my boss. she'll e-mail me once and awhile... you know to tell me to get my ass to work or to not bother coming into work. little things like that. i never really get anything interesting. not that i'm asking for it.. trust me i'm not.

but tonight i checked my e-mail and i got some. i got some that wasn't someone trying to sell me porn or to tell me about something that i didn't need on amazon.com it was mail.

i know it sounds so silly. but it isn't. bryan sent me e-mail. it made me cry. it was the first piece of nice e-mail that i'd gotten since after my birthday. bryan also sent me a cd for my birthday. he's one of those good people.

i've always had this idea that all the good people leave before you get to meet them. they're 5 steps ahead of you or 3 years ahead of you or even 3,000 miles away from you. but when it comes down to what do you do when one of the good people is about to leave what do you do? do you wait till they're gone.. or risk finding them just before they're about to leave?

i have to write e-mail. i'm mumbling about nothing...

"i'm not bitter anyway...
but i didn't want it to turn out this way.."

excuse me yana.. but where is your spine?

"will you lie to her for me? please? she won't talk to me."

oh poor baby the girl you love won't talk to you. i feel so bad for you. really i do. i thought as i sat there, my fingers shaking.

"i'm afraid if i say no that you won't talk to me again but i'm saying no. yes.. i'm saying no."

that's how it all started. well not how it all started but that's how i lost my spine. i know what you're thinking, but you said no. you said no to him.

sad but true later i said yes and i told some girl lies so she would talk to him. i know this story might seem a little vague, mostly because i didn't use names, but trust me.. it's better left that way.

but i woke up this morning only to realize that i'd a) lied to some girl i didn't even know b) lied about events that had happened and meant something to me and c) lied for a boy who i don't really think gets how much it sucked to lie for him. because once the deed was done and nothing really came of it, except maybe some poor girl led astray [much like i was], he had no need for me and didn't feel much like speaking with me.

i want to say karma will make it's rounds once again.. but then of course karma will come back and get me. but hasn't it already? aren't i already without a spine and a heart? why don't you all just come on over on my only day off for the next three weeks and walk all over me.

i mean i honestly won't feel it. i promise. then when you're done you can just ride off into the sunset and i.. i will never be the wiser.

hello? what's your name.

we're not like other people, you and i. i can tell that as i watch you from the windows of the office. you walk with the farm dog, your head hanging low and your lips tightly pressed together. i forget your name. we always say hello but i forget what you said your name was. in the frenzy that we met the first time, where names were exchanged, i was trying to get a bird out of the office. we get birds in here. it's a farm. you learn to deal.

i want to ask you your name again, just so i can know. just so i can talk about you here with your name instead of some description of your skinny frame and quiet lips.

what is your name boy? i want to know your name.

the way you look tonight..

happiness is:

1. moving on.
2. a warm chocolate chip cookie with cold milk.
3. a phone call under the covers in the middle of the afternoon.
4. getting all the laundry done.
5. finishing all your work, ahead of schedule.
6. a kiss right near your ear.
7. green sheets.
8. getting cards in the mail for no reason.
9. laughing for no reason.
10. saying you're sorry.. yes. i am sorry.

i don't like the way this feels.

sometimes i forget that you, you or maybe even you read this website. i know it's absolutely moronic to forget that people read this. trust me i know how idiotic it sounds. but really i forget that someone that i'm writing about might be reading.

so i've taken the liberty of not using people's names. not even my best friends name, who i drink coffee with and who everyone knows is part of the force that keeps air in my lungs and blood in my veins. it's just easier that way if everyone is a he or a she and i am the only it. isn't it?

but then there are sometimes when i wish i could keep you, and you and even you from reading what i have to say because i have so much anger towards you. you invade my thoughts without even thinking about what they mean to me because you can't seem to move on and forget about my existence.is it that hard, even if you do read what i have to say, to not comment, to not add fuel to my anger? i don't think so. i keep my mouth shut. i don't comment on your sad pathetic little lives. i don't waste my energy typing up stupid messages that i know will get under your skin. so why do you? why? what is the fucking point? huh?

of course there are some of you that i know don't know me anymore or even read me anymore. that's the worst feeling. to know that you gave up, walked away and wish to have nothing to do with me is one of the most horrible feelings a person could ever have. but it's a reality i must face.. just like the people i forget about and the people i wish would forget about me.. i can't change anything.

i can only will it to happen.. maybe even hope it to happen and perhaps it will.

is that blood on the wall?

my mother works her ass off most of the time. only around holidays and in the summer. people love what my mom does. she can make your house pretty. she can coordinate your rugs, curtains and your couch to create a perfect living environment. but when it comes to our house there is no structure what so ever.

we've never had slipcovers or curtains or even a rug that might even match each other. but i guess that's the curse of designing other people's living spaces.. your own living space looks like hell.

so i figured today would be a good day to try and make something look nice. i did some laundry. i cleaned. i scrubbed. i even hung up paintings i don't think my mother has seen in years but still no one notices. my mother just keeps talking into her phone. my brother keeps talking into his phone. my animals they just want to be let out.. they could care less if i put up nice paintings and cleaned the carpet.

i wonder if i go and slam my head against a wall would anyone notice? i really doubt it.