changessssss

this weekend i should be changing servers so.. there might be a few power outages or something as i make the transition over.

i know like it's really that big of a loss right?

yay it's saturday.

saturday ritual, no joke, catch up on jerwin and some other blogs. of COURSE there are tons of political commentary everywhere [even on our non american friend's sites] why wouldn't there be? the RNC just got done.. republicans are up and about spouting some stupid g.w.bush jr. slogan "read my lips: no new taxes" oh my bad that was g.w. bush sr. sorry it's late and the two are so easily confused.

what was i talking about again. yeah that slogan. "the wait has been long, but it won't be long now." how many speech writers does it take to come up with that one? too many probably..

but i'm not going to sit here and spout the different ideas of al gore and g.w. bush. you can read the basics here. you can read all the basics and decide what future you want for your children and for yourself.

me? i want a country where my daughter can choose what she wants to do with her own body. i want a country where my son or daughter is respected by the government despite their sexual orientation. i want a country that cares about the environment and refuses to take for granted the great resources we are so quickly using and abusing. i want to grow old and know that i will be taken care of and that my country will be safe but not overly eager to defend it self due to paranoia.

i've once said [and will continue to say] i don't like my government but i love my country.

p.s. if we're all going to be so quick to pounce on gore for clinton why not pounce on ford for pardoning nixon? is it not the same thing? gore didn't support or denounce clinton.. ford, in some way, saved nixon. maybe it's not the same thing but it gives you something to chew on .... does it not?

this has been the longest day of my life..

i can't believe it's not even midnight yet. not that today was a bad day [despite the random spurts of evil] but it just seems so long.. will it ever end?

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

how sweet!!

aww why thank you. i can't express how wonderful it feels to have your hatred just jump off the page at me. would you actually like to stick it up my ass for me? would that make you feel better? or would pictures of the pain just be enough?

those of course are rhetorical questions. i don't wish for them to be answered and if they are i will not respond.

i just want this to be done with and over.. please?

oh sweet inspiration...

exactly what i was thinking.

lisa loeb is so '94

actually i found a better lisa loeb song. but i don't really want to post it.. because it says things in certain ways that you have to actually read into it.... lately i think people are too lazy to do that so... let's just say this song is on repeat all day until i feel better.

i am reminded...

one night i was watching the practice. i think it was a few months ago and the lovely skinny D.A. stood up before the judge and said something like this:

"do you happen to have a long wooden stick, preferably barbed. so i can run it up my ass to complete the pleasure of appearing before your honor?"

i think that's fitting for today.

ummm....

actually i deleted this post.

it was a joke but i'm not looking to anyone to verify my emotions anymore. like right now.. i can cry and be sad and i don't give a fuck if you care or if it bothers you.

got a problem with that? then fuck you.

i've gotta crushhhhh

on you. why? cus i'm being silly. anyone that agrees with me on anything political, likes weezer and j.e.w [jimmy eat world for all the musical RETARDS out there].... they are very crush-worthy. very.

yes i'm being silly and i'm not asking for anyone to say it's ok. so BITE ME if it bothers you :) heh..

hmmm..

it's sad really. i'm always looking for someone to verify that my emotions are ok. i'm always wondering if it's ok for me to feel hurt, angry, excited, bitchy, mellow or sad. i look to other people to tell me "yes, it's ok to feel that way."

that's wrong.

i shouldn't be sitting here wondering if you're ok with how i feel. i shouldn't worry if you're ok with what i have to say. i shouldn't, but i do.

for some reason i need you to accept my emotions before i can. i think that's why i'm so crazy. i think that's why i'm so scared and upset and insecure all the time.

at least i can admit it. now all i have to do is fix the problem and i'll be ok.

would he?

if you know someone is awake and you know they live only 20 minutes away should you call them and ask them to trek over to your apartment because you're lonely?

i watched "say anything" before. you know that movie. lloyd and diane. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK. BAD FUCKING MOVE YANA.

yes i know.. but still.. would he come over if i called? that's the bigger question. the question is would he get the lloyd and diane thing. no the question is.. would i be using him.. no wait.. the question is

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

yes THAT is the question.

did i say goodnight? oh silly me

well i did try to go to bed.

but it's NOW 2:28 and i just don't want to sleep.

fucking fuckity fuck fuck

oh george bush.. don't try and woo me

i'm a very liberal person. but a lot of my views in life conflict though. i don't believe illegal immigrants should recieve public education. i don't believe illegal immigrants should be here in the first place, that's a given. i don't believe in hand outs. i DO believe in getting your ass out of your chair and getting a job if you can't afford to pay your bills. but i do believe in universal healthcare and cheaper medication. i believe a country should take care of education and the lives of thier tax paying, working citizens. but sometimes i feel weird like..

i'm a fucking walking contradiction.

but the other night i was listening to george bush talk and god fucking damnit was he a good talker. i was listening to him and compared to al gore and his mechanical smile and mechanical speach.. i was drawn to him. it was sick because i think the man stands on the opposite end of serious issues for me, such as abortion and gun control.

but he was slllliiiiickkkkk and suave. kinda like me haha.

so i kept yelling at the screen SHUT UP GEORGE BUSH! I DON'T WANT TO LIKE YOU.

and when it all came down to it i didn't like him. but still.. if i was on an edge and i wasn't so strong minded about my ability to choose and how much i hate guns.. i might have just started to like him.

sad huh? yeah.. really.

i'm suave

i love my stalkers e-mails:

"you're like a fucking rico suave wannabee.

you can suck anyone into your web of fancy words and then when they're no longer needed you'll cut them right the fuck out.

you even let people think they're cuting you out you know exactly what you're doing. it's fucking sick but amazing all at the same time."

right on my mentaly challenged friend! right on!

thoughts..

i make new internet friends like there's no tomorrow. i feel strange because my stalker came from computer but i still try to interact with these people because i feel a need..

so tonight i told my newest little friend jason [there is no link so shut up!] that my site has been used as personal ammo from other people against me. he told me basically that sucked. he was right. it does suck.. it hurts too. it's like pouring out your heart and having some stomp on it.

so i've thought about keeping my life away from this page. i figured i'd just insert random comments and link to stupid political commentary. i'm not so secure with sharing my life that much anymore.. sure there'll be journal entries. maybe i'll turn it into a gratitude journal. i feel i need to be more thankful for things then complaining about things all the time.

but really why share with people if they're just going to stab you. yeah! stab you in the heart! [heh nicole..]

does the drama ever end?

i thought my day was calm. i did nothing but work out for about three hours.

then my brother calls me.

"i was arrested."

OH FUCKING GREAT.

apparently my brother has road rage. he doesn't like it when people try to pass him on the right side and so when he tried to stop someone from passing him on the right side the idiot kept going and popped his tire and bent his fender on a curb. my brother didn't know that this guy is one of the hot shots in my home town and he got my brother arrested.

they never read my brother his rights or let him have a lawyer. they were going to put BAIL on my brother. my cute, sexy, stockman/video game making brother! how dare they! but then they let him out and everything is ok. life is ok again.

there are other things that happened today that i won't mention because i don't want to and well my life is such a soap opera right? i wish.. there'd only be hour intervals for the drama.. bleh.

why the fuck does icq hate me? grr.

good deed for the day

i have just completed my good deed for the day. i brought smiles to the faces of my friends by buying them books. books are the best gifts to give because you're giving people words ... words liberate the soul.

i love giving to people. i used to be a taker.. but i hated that feeling..

it's nice to be giving back to the people who make my soul happy. :)

sexy hair
curly hair is sexy, here is proof

exactly

i want to relive it one more time..

my neice called me today. she spewed forth her reservations about college, her first year in college, and the fear of losing touch with her friends.

i listend, like i always do, and i could tell by the way she said good-bye that she was feeling better.

it brought back a longing i have to be 17 again. i want to be a newbie in college and feel that beautiful anticipation in my stomach. i want to wake up late and almost miss orientation by 5 minutes because i'd spent the whole night before getting to know my roommate. i want to feel that giddy feeling while meeting new people and the great joys of coming home at 5 am and no one yelling at me.

if you've never experienced the joys and let downs of your first year at college i feel sorry for you. there is nothing more exciting then getting to come together in one spot with people who are on your level. everyone is new. everyone is getting out and growing up. you can never relive that feeling, ever. i still know what my dorm room smelled like and every time i smell ajax i'm reminded of the joys of sharing a bathroom with too many people.

but i want to relive it all.. just one more time. i wish i could.. :\

Where did july go?

where the hell did july go? it's the first of august already? man i have 29 days to pack and lose 5lbs. i can do the 5lbs but i don't know about the packing.

last time i checked it was july 1st.. i was happy then.

not that i'm not happy now.. but.. i was happier then i think. oh well..

teeth aren't that important, right?

so i wake up early after going to bed last night because my computer decided to DIE on me.

i go for a run. i'm feeling engergized. i'm feeling dorky cus my shirt is 6 years old. i'm feeling OK.

then i'm biting into my lovely total cereal and i hear a crunch. i know what it is. i have this root canal that i never got finished. it's been since around march i think. i had this big ass hole in my tooth. ok so that's pretty gross but i didn't have the money to get it finished.

my tooth caved in. so i go to the dentist and he's all freaked out and it's only 8:30 am. so he rushes me into the room, puts me under and extracts my tooth.

i'm not less one tooth. i thought it was cool. my dentist yelled at me. kevin came and picked me up. he laughed with me. hey, it was kinda funny! losing a tooth at such a young, vibrant age? haha.

great start to a really great day, right? bleh!

the queen of multi-tasking

what i can do all at one time:

- create some strange interface type thing for matt in flash [keyframe my ass, bite me macromedia]
- send out slightly interesting icq messages
- redesign parts of this page [working on new sections for the fun of it]
- search and download mp3's
- cook
- listen AND comment on pete's comments on the RNC [repub. national convention]

i'm the masta woohoo.

rapid elbow movement

"i thought of you as my mountain top
i thought of you as my peak
i thought of you as just 'bout everything
i had but couldn't keep."

umm i changed my mind

i feel weird talking about my health on my website so i deleted the post that used to be here.

a simple summary?

BEST BUY SUCKS
DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS.

'nuff said.

i like to watch people

i'll admit webcams can be addicting. i even get on an aol screen name i made on my mommies aol so i can watch the "big brother" webcam [ok it's fucking cheesy but fuck you too] and so places like this just shouldn't be there. not because they're bad put you're putting U2 and a log together? that's freaking insane! i love it.. but it's insane!

note: i wish i had a cable modem or dsl right now. i'm busy stealing programs and it's going to take me all bloody night. thank the lord for things like getright or i'd be going crazy, literally. :\

faith, restored.

today i had a lot of insecurities about myself. i woke up after a pretty bad night only to feel worse then i had the night before. when i looked in the mirror i had bags under my eyes and a pimple hiding somewhere near my hairline. my skin was sunburned and dry. i smelled like clove cigarettes and my hair was just.. ratty. but it was also my self esteem that had been withered away by a few little words last night by someone i cared about.

that's when i vowed to be me and i took back all that self esteem from where it layed on the ground, smashed to bits. i put it back together. i sucked up my pride, took a shower, put a little concealer on my bags and felt better. much better.

so all day i planned fun for my day and i got that. granted it wasn't seeing weezer in concert because ticketmaster sucks but still the 20 people crammed into my room to watch the red violin was .. interesting. they were full of life, energy and affection. i needed that. i needed to be shown how much i meant to other people.

but when they all were gone i felt more lonely and lost then i did before.

it was electronic mail that brought my spirits up. people telling me that they were there for me and that they liked what i had to say.

so my faith has restored again.. little by little i will overcome it all. nothing is going to own me again. not you, not that, not him, not her, not anyone.. i promise myself that much. never again.

[this shoulda been a journal entry huh? :\ oh well.]

crazy ass commericials

i've come to the conclusion that in los angeles or perhaps just in california, the oddest commercials are HERE.

when i first moved here i was flipping through my cloudy television, no cable at all, and i was bombarded with a Crazy Gideon's commerical.

if you live here or if you've ever seen one, then you should know EXACTLY what i'm talking about. if you don't let me make a VERY long story short:

there is this guy, with some sort of eastern europe accent, jumping around selling electronics as low ass prices [i guess?] and the whole time he is SCREAMING and jumping up and down. on occasion he'll admit openly that he is fucking crazy and shout how how much he loves his audience.

the latest commericials have shown him "interacting" with the merchandise. this includes him putting on sunglasses and a walkman and dancing around. this i find to be absolutely hilarious.

but tonight i caught the creme de la creme of CRAZZZZZY Gideon: at the end of a commercial he's in a straight jacket with some large man and a girl in a short nurse's outfit.

i'm going to miss L.A. and it's crazy ass commercials and such, kinda.

guess what?

when tofu goes bad.. it goes BAD. it doesn't just smell it starts to grow other tofu friends to keep it company.
when you stay up for 24 hours, you go crazy, or not.
yes,ticketmaster sucks.
big fonty header type things are fun.
don't ever assume when you say "sure bring a few friends over" that only a few people will show up.
one way plane tickets for 215.00 are nice on the credit card.
the contrast of dido singing and eminem rapping is comforting.
i'm a dork, i guess.
ok there are no guesses about it.. i am.

things that suck

- really breaking a nail. i mean all the way back
- stubbing your toe really hard
- when you sleep and your back hurts
- bite marks
- packing up to move
- crying
- lots of other stuff.

sharing a few realizations

i've given you all a grand facade here most of the time. i try to convince you all that i'm so strong and perfectly fine with all that passes through my life and it all goes right over the upper layer of my skin.

but it's all a lie. i'm not strong. i'm not strong in anything but my mind and even that hasn't been exercised in months. i've given into so many things these past few days that I HAVE NEVER given into. i won't go into details because i don't wish for anyone to lose the the smidgen or respect that they might have for me but i've been a bad girl.

i've also not given people who i am. i start out, when i meet someone, with me. i give that person me and i woo them with that and then i give into my insecurities and become some other person.

but starting today i'm me. i won't go around hiding my intelligence from you. i won't go around hiding my talents from you. i won't go around acting like an ass because that's what you expect. i'm going to start over here and be who i am and in that i hope not to lose pete [or anyone else for that matter.]

yes i am an emotional slut. man to woman.. woman to man that's what i do, it's my biggest flaw. but if the ship has sunk why swim around in the cold water, waiting for it to come back up? after writing an email last night and saying just how i felt in a journal entry kinda pulled me out of that water.

i don't feel so cold anymore. i don't feel so wet with my tears. i enjoy that.

cure for insomnia

write an e-mail. say exactly how you feel about that person good and bad..

it actually distracted me from the large lump in my body that has been stressing me out all weekend. did i say lump? yeah. i did.

insomnia

where hell and reality collide.

or where shapes and space don't make sense and your body is suspended just beyond that sleepy goodness.

just remember

i may seem so evil and unbreakable..

but the tears prove that i am not so evil and not so strong.

the current scores in yana's life

boys/men/women: 45651456896 yana: 0

life: 564118919 yana: 0

pain: 456146 yana: 0

society: 5613 yana: 0

notice all the zeros next to my name. yes those are the real scores and no the lowest score does not win, dimwit.

the polls are in!!

for some reason i can't get a fucking archive for the poll results but the number 7 won! whoopie fucking whoop!

but three will always be the MAGIC FUCKING NUMBER.

thank you and have a good night.

squinty eyes

all night my eyes have been BUGGGIN out of my fucking head. i keep seeing spots and dots and this and that and..

holy shit i'm going blind? ok not really but i wonder how i would deal with that.

melllowwwwwwwwww

the W is for WEEEZERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ok i'm done acting like an ass for the next 4 minutes. :)

self loathing is fun!

why does anyone like my journal? i think it's just a bunch of pathetic words i throw together in some bad effort to say how i feel.

what am i trying to say today? that i'm a slut and i don't rebound well? i dunno. you tell me i guess.