fingers.

pete is leaving next friday so i've convinced him to entertain me until then.

i'm going to miss him for the few weeks i won't see him. he has these fingers that i can't get over. he could use a little meat on the rest of his body but his hands are perfect.

if he was my boyfriend i'd want to hold them until infinity was over and done with.. but he's not so i can't. but yeah sometimes i reach out and grab his hands and hold on a little too long then the normal person would. i think he notices but he never... ever pulls away.

i like that.

real people don't understand

normal people don't understand why i spent almost all day yesterday trying to finish up this new design thing i'm working on. they don't understand things like "blog" and "webring" and "layout".

they understand things that i used to only understand.

i think i envy them.. but lately it's true, i don't feel the need to do this anymore. oh well.

people are so funny.

i love how people think they're talking behind my back. it's as if they think the people they think are loyal to them actually are. it's like fucking survivor.

i especially think it's funny when people who don't really know me talk shit about me. now THAT is fucking classic man.. classic.

i love society. it's fucking perfect. i wouldn't want to change a thing. why would i? i get so much fucking amusement out of it. :)

crack head yana

so next monday i'm taking my last trip upstate to san fran. well not really san fran i'm just stopping there to pick up oliver and then we're heading up to humbolt or eureka or some place with big trees to meet brandon, sarah and some other washington people.

that basically means i should be packed by monday and i'm not so that's going to suck.

i think i'll redesign in the next two days.. put the design up, pack then i think the site might be dormant until the middle of september. i know you'll all miss me so.

i'll stop typing now because my wrist really fucking hurts. :\

sweet little lucy ricardo

i was watching i love lucy a couple of months ago. did you know that i love lucy hasn't been off the air in 50 years? that's amazing to me. not because it's a bad show but because it isn't full of sex and curse words. hell lucy and ricky never actually slept in the same bed, it was two beds pushed together and then eventually two twin beds. i mean lucy was the first woman to say pregnant on television for christ sake!

but then i was watching it for awhile. every day at 12pm it comes on FOX11 here. that's when i saw it.. that's when i noticed it. lucy and ricky had an openly violent relationship on television. it wasn't that clear i mean you really wouldn't notice it unless you watched a lot of episodes but there are little things like:

- when lucy doesn't do what ricky wants he actually puts her over his knee and spanks her.
- when lucy and ricky are in hollywood [you know for ricky and his movie or whatever] lucy messes up his contract or something. then lucy is scared that ricky is going to kill her and she has to distract him with objects to throw so he doesn't hit her.

i don't really think this makes my case but still it is totally noticable that ricky and lucy had a destructive male dominated relationship on the show. i guess it was just a little showcase of their real lives but still.. it disturbs me to no end for some reason :\

oh sweet wednesday

contrary to popular belief i get no kisses on a regular basis. to me friendship is much better than any relationship that could ever occur between me and him. but still i want kisses!

i might settle for long, lingering hugs but kisses would be much better.

swallowing it all..

part of being impressive is holding back all negative comments.

oh my god am i holding my tongue. but i'm laughing. a lot :)

blah blah blah

i have to redesign this page before i leave. well i don't have to i just want to.

let it be noted that i eventually found something to be impressed by today.

small things are the most impressive things.. remember that.

sunday?

i'm not impressed by much today.. i doubt you are either.

sam where are you damnit? i've been calling all day :\

saturday was a good day....

and it's not even over. last night really early or late [depending on your idea of early or late] i went out with someone to watch the meteor shower. did you miss it? well i'm sorry you did. it was the most amazing event that has occured in the past 5 months to me.

it wasn't the company that i had watching things fly across the sky [though it did add to my comfort] it was just the night had been so sad and compressed that i felt as if i was suddenly flying across the sky.

someone i adore left for utah tonight. on the 28th of august most of the people i adore in new york will be back in school or something of that nature.. in a week or so pete leaves for back east because he's a school kid too. when i leave here i leave friends and people i made real connections with. but i'm the only one going back to nothing in new york but memories.

i'm shooting across the sky with no destination and no purpose but to make everyone go oooo and ahhh i guess. but at least i'm impressed with myself.

i honestly hope you, the person reading this, are impressed with yourself. i hope when you wake up tomorrow morning you can go "i said nice things yesterday. i cared about people. i forgave someone. i loved someone. i hugged someone. i shared with someone. i helped someone and i believed in someone."

because you can't be impressed with yourself by hurting other people, lashing out at people you don't really know and thinking to yourself that you're just so right. THAT isn't impressive. i was never impressive until 3 am last night. how's that? because i let go of my ugly self. i admitted all my wrongs to pete's virgin ears. i told him of all the things i said and didn't mean.. of all the things people thought i meant but didn't. giving it all up to the balls of rock burning through the atmosphere. i gave all my wrongs to them and they took them.. burned them and left me there.

i haven't said the words "i love you" to anyone [other than family and friends] and meant it in a long time. i think it's been over two years. all my old boyfriends who read this might not be very shocked at that. you might want to write me e-mails and say "oh i knew that, bitch." but see.. that's not very impressive is it?

somehow this turned into another fucking "oo i'm so introspective" post of crap. i apologize for that. but did you see the meteor shower last night? it was enough to inspire years of poetry and centuries of thought or at least that's how i feel about it.