Saturday, August 26

i hate computers

why in the world does icq and aim have to stop working when i'm bored out of my mind? isn't that the way it always goes? so here i am actually forced to do something. i have no one but my roommate to entertain me.

you ever watch little league games? the world series or something is on. these kids kick ass.

can you tell i'm bored? exactly.

until......

until i figure out the password thing for my journal i started one here. oops! it's password protected. so you want to get in eh? well e-mail me with your desired username and password and i'll think about it.

don't get upset if i don't give you access. it's password protected right? there's a reason for that right? exactly.

i'm a coward so if i don't reply you get no love. heh :) kris and crystal have been trying to help me. i'm too lazy to link them. bleh.

smart man....

when you make a mistake,
don't look back at it long.
take the reason of the thing
into your mind and then look forward.
mistakes are lessons of wisdom.
the past cannot be changed.
the future is yet in your power.
--hugh white

arrrghhhhhhhhh!

so i'm working on that password protection SHIT and i get it to password protect my directory but it won't read my .htpasswd file or something because when i try to log into the site it says my password is invalid or some shit. like i needed that today?

so if anyone knows how to help or just wants to help me.. i'll buy you something off your amazon wishlist [if it works] and if you don't have an amazon wishlist i'll just buy you something and you'll like it, damnit.

Friday, August 25

boys read little women?

there is one boy i've managed to keep my website away from, pete, and today he left the state of california to settle back down in new haven, connecticut. i put him on a plane and wondered if in a few weeks would i actually see him again? the heavens say no, he says yes.

he handed me a letter, i read it. it was the typical stuff he'd been saying all week. but at the bottom he started talking about how he read little women his senior year in high school and one quote that stuck in his head reminded him of me:

"why does everyone want to go away? i love being home. but I don't like being left behind."

at first i didn't even think about the quote, i just was shocked that boys actually read little women. but then i realized that he'd actually listened to everything i'd said. my fears about my friends being gone when i got to new york. my fears that my mother was really going to move to italy. i'd actually spent time telling him about it all before i put it on my site because i didn't tell him where to find my site and he never asked.

i miss him already.

halloween so early?

hey fresh meat! i like your pretty design.

it makes me have another lovely CRUSH on you.

<snicker>

Thursday, August 24

inbox love

someone sent me this quote:

it is better to light one small candle than to curse the
darkness. -- confucius

i think i'll just light everything on fire and let it burn.

"we don't' need no water let the MOTHER FUCKER burn!"

Oh

yes i realize nothing is fair.

just thought i'd clarify.

almost 4 am..

i don't have a hero.
i don't have any inspiration.
i don't have much love anymore.
i don't have any valium.
i don't have any faith.
but oddly enough i'm ok.

umm..

i don't think there will be anymore journal entries until it's password protected. call me a bitch, call me paranoid but i don't wish or need certain people reading my innermost feelings.

granted, i share my life here but i'm not sharing my feelings that much anymore. yes that's sad and at times i feel sorry and don't feel sorry for all of you who don't get to see all of me. it's sad that it's come to the point where i can't just say how i feel and do what i want to do without it all blowing up in my face.

i also don't know what will happen to this site in 6 days, when i move. i might get someone to guest blog, but who? everyone i know already has their own page. maybe oliver or sam. i dunno. if you want to amuse the troops while i'm gone go ahead and e-mail me. if you want to write journal entries you can e-mail me too. i'm not expecting any e-mail so it's ok.

it's 2 am. my grandmother is in her bed, sad, lonely and confused. despite her age and health i can say that i know exactly how she feels.

yeah.

i put up a new "words and pictures" thing on the project page. there's nothing spectacular. there's nothing amazing. but go look at it if you want.

Wednesday, August 23

denial...

my grandmother had another stroke three days ago. my brother thought he couldn't tell me. he waited for my mother to come home from italy to tell me.

i'll be home in 7 days.

may i have your attention please????

if anyone, and i mean anyone, has anything to say to me i wish for you to e-mail me or contact me in any way, all my contact info is to the right. that means if you want to unleash all the hidden feelings you're keeping from me and spewing towards other people i want to hear it. i promise i won't post any of it [with your name heh] and i won't hold any of it against you.

so you can e-mail me and call me a bitch. then you can ICQ me and tell me how much i've hurt you. then you can e-mail me again and tell me i'm a waste of sperm and egg.

why do i want to hear all of this? because with the mood i'm in you can't make it worse!!! woooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!

once again..

i've seemed to piss almost everyone i know off and some people i don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've succeeded in the karma negativity thing.

woohoooo!

Tuesday, August 22

hi.

i'm the girl you don't know. i'm the girl you'll never know. i'm the girl who just packed up all of her clothes into a bag because she's leaving in a week. i'm the girl who might scare you a little. i'm the girl who might inspire someone. i'm the girl you might long for and not know why. i'm the girl you will hate one day. i'm the girl you can't understand. i'm the girl who gets scared in the dark. i'm the girl who ran 6 miles this morning. i'm the girl who hates hip trendy people. i'm the girl who can't inspire anyone. i'm the girl who inspires confusion. i'm the girl who loves babies, dogs, cats and ferrets. i'm the girl who steals popcorn from you. i'm the girl who falls alseep on your shoulder. i'm the girl who cheats on you. i'm the girl who can't tell you how she feels. i'm the girl you insult indirectly. i'm the girl who insults you behind your back. i'm the girl who laughs in your face. i'm the girl who turns you down. i'm the girl who forgets about your e-mail. i'm the girl who gets angry at truck drivers. i'm the girl... who... ?

i like doing that. it makes me feel good.

i think but i still suck!

i piss a lot of people off. i've come to that realization. i think it's my emotions that piss people off. i've tried, as of late, to keep my emotions off this page. i dont' know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. in a way i think it is because i can't leave myself open to be hurt, abused or ridiculed by other people. but it's a bad thing because i have no real outlet other then this page, lately. so all my emotions, feelings and pain are all bottled up inside.

i just wrote a whole e-mail to someone without punctuation. i'd like to assume that erik enjoyed it. if you'd like a lovely unpunctuated e-mail send me an e-mail first at and i will return with the highly confusing, punctuation free, e-mail sometime in the next few days.

wasn't e-mail day always wednesday? hmm.. yes. yes it was. oh well. life changes ... you move on. c'est la vie.

before i sleep.. three! three! three posts in one!

there is no hate.i promise.

now i think dan woo'd me by saying i was his hero. is that his master plan? probably. he's a guy! granted he's 14 or something but still all men start young right?
-----
to be listed inbetween zeldman and keith brown on jean's link list is so very flattering. but the little insecure stupid girl in me figures it's just cus there is no other category for me heh :)
-----
i miss my ferrets still. my little princess got a kidney stone because my dumb ass brother didn't feed her the right food. stupid boys.:(

you know what..?

if my computer didn't make such annoying sounds i'd stay up later.

i don't know if that's sick or just plain stupid.

probably both.

little devil me.

i used to know this boy [name not given cus if he ever reads this he'll kill me] and he used to check his e-mail from my house last year. his password was always the same thing for everything.

i still read his e-mail when i'm bored. it's probably illegal and i probably could get in trouble for it, maybe.

but i like to do evil things.

did i mention he has a fetish for butt crushing or something? i swear. no joke. what great people i associate with, right? mwahahaha :)

hmmm....

late at night i can hear loud summer house noises from the kids in the apartment building next door.

i've learned to block them out and pretend they're not there. it's taken many months but i've achieved it.

but really, i'm going to miss them when i'm in new york, in the country with my crickets. there won't be any more late night screaming of "that's my toy!" there will be just silence.

i don't really know if i can handle that silence. it will only makes me more lonely for the sounds i once hated ... the sounds i now have to leave behind.

Monday, August 21

when evil-doing comes like falling rain

like one who brings an important letter to the counter after
office hours: the counter is already closed.

like one who seeks to warn the city of an impending flood,
but speaks another language. they do not understand
him.

like a beggar who knocks for the fifth time at a door where
he has four times been given something: the fifth
time he is hungry.

like one whose blood flows from a wound and who awaits
the doctor: his blood goes on flowing.
so do we come forward and report that evil had been done us.

the first time it was reported that our friends were being
butchered there was a cry of horror. then a hundred
were butchered. but when a thousand were butchered
and there was no end to the butchery, a blanket of
silence spread.

when evil-doing comes like falling rain, nobody calls out
'stop!'

when crimes begin to pile up they become invisible. when
sufferings become unendurable the cries are no longer
heard. the cries, too, fall like rain in summer.

--bertolt brecht

well i never meant to offend anyone..

i never meant to offend anyone by this post. for once in my little life i really didn't mean for anyone, on the internet, to even take that post as personal. i won't link to the people offended or it seems i offended because i don't do that. but if you're reading this and you were offended here is some clarification:

the people i was talking about are perfectly capable of living on their own. they make about 50,000 dollars a year [or more], they own nice cars and can pay their own bills. the fact is they don't want to live on their own or pay their own bills. i can live on my own and i do live on my own. i would never mean to suggest that if you can't afford to support yourself you should go live on your own just because living with your parents is wrong. also if you live with your parents in order to take care of them that is a different story.

i'm sorry if offended anyone. that wasn't my intent.

heh did i just get nice? i think so :)

it goes on

like dreaming of
some place after
you leave it. You
wake up in a daze

rain all day
in the pines.
It goes on
like that green,

like stained glass
between a bedroom
and the hall with
the light always

burning behind it,
cantaloupe and
peach light on
the bed all night

--lyn lifshin

karma bites..

a good and just person informed me that i'm surrounded by negative people because i am negative. it's about karma, she said. i know she's right. she gave me the whole deal about you get what you give out blah blah. i hate when people tell me exactly what's in front of my face :\

but how exactly do i change my life and does this mean that all the people i've just met will have to be gone from my life because they are negative? i don't see any negativity in kevin, pete, sean, karen, the boys upstairs or any of the other various people i've gotten to know here. but maybe that's because we're all negative. i dunno. DAMNIT.

karma really fucking sucks. :\

i want to be nice..

but i don't think i have any nice genes in my body at this moment. i just want all the people i dislike to just fade away. that can't happen but i wish it could.

i want to retrace all my past mistakes and make them not there anymore. i want to take back all the hurtful things i've said to people, about people and for people. i want to take back the last 8 months and do them over again.

but doesn't everyone wish they could take it all back sometimes. i guess so.. do you?. i want to actually not feel alone for once. just once. so e-mail me your thoughts. i'll probably post some of them so if you include an url you get linky love.. if you don't want to be linked your secret is safe with me but still include a link. i like websites.

people need help.

i'm not an expert on comic books. i like them, really i do, but i'd never be an expert on them. i mean today i went to the L.A. comic/sci-fi convention with my roommate for a few hours and most of those people KNOW their comic books.

but anyone who would pay this much for a comic book that is worth about 10 bucks is a moron. yes it's a spiderman #1 but it's from the 1990's. it's not a REAL spiderman #1. bleh.. people need help. this is why ebay gets such bad press sometimes.

buyer beware indeed.

save me..

every year in new york, my block has had a block party. every year since i was six, i think. back when i was six it was fun. i would spray people with water guns. sam and i would hide under the food tables and grab people's ankles. but as we got older it was a chore and every year after i turned 15 i missed it because well i'd fake sick or i'd be at school already.

but this year i get to be home just in time!! aren't i lucky?

actually in some way i want to be there. i want to go and say "hey world look at me i'm not a six year old punk grabbing ankles and spitting my water at you anymore." but still i can hear all those people going "my how old you've gotten!" and "wow you look so much like your mother don't you?"

nine days and counting till i leave... :\

please shoot me..

yes, my friends, i ask you that if i'm 25 and living off my parents [in any way] i want you to shoot me.

anyone want to sign a killing contract with me? because really.. if i'm that old and still living off my parents, i deserve to be dead. i mean my parents might be my parents but just because i share their genes doesn't mean they owe me anything. it's more like i owe them something.

sorry. i'm just worried i'll end up like my friend mark and various other people i know. it's just really icky.

hmmm..

i think that cartoon losing it's head up there is disturbing.

i like it :)

Sunday, August 20

just a few more things to do..

and i don't want to do them, at all.

i watched the emperor and the assasin today. well actually i had tried to watch it two days ago with pete, kevin and lisa but i fell asleep. it was a really good movie, long, but good. if you don't mind subtitles.. you'll like this movie. well ok you have to be able to get into a movie, to like this movie but it's still good.

but let it be known that asian men are really attractive. asian men with long hair are really attractive. oh and men.. most of them are really attractive heh :)

what time is it?

i've been awake since 8 am. most of the other crappy pages should be up tomorrow. they're all finished but i'm so tired and my wrists and fingers are hurting more then they ever have.

there are multiple reasons why they hurt, one being the police fucking suck [you can either put two and two together and get four or just add all wrong and not know wtf i'm talking about. the important people know, that's what's important] and two i have carpal tunnel.

oh did i ever mention how hot troy garity is? just thought i'd mention that he's reallly really hot.

three weeks

three weeks longing, water burning
stone. three weeks leopard blood
pacing under the loud insomnia of stars.
three weeks voltaic. weeks of winter
afternoons, darkness half descended.
howling at distance, ocean
pulling between us, bending time.
three weeks finding you in me in new places,
luminescent as a tetra in depths,
its neon trail.
three weeks shipwrecked on this mad island;
twisting aurora of perfumes. every boundary of body
electrified, every thought hunted down
by memory of touch. three weeks of open eyes
when you call, your first question,
did I wake you...

- anne michaels