sometimes...

sometimes you wonder why the time goes so fast and sometimes you wonder why time goes so slow. i just want time to go. just go go go..

not too fast and not to slow just the way it should.

but it doesn't so i'm dealing.. kind of.

18 days and counting?

so in 18 days there will be no more yana for a month or so. yeah what a big fat fucking loss right?

last night was very interesting. i got someone to watch immortal beloved and he cried. perhaps he was crying because i was ranking on him for ditching me the other night but really immortal beloved is so sad and so depressing anyone would cry. boys with tears in their eyes are sexy. especially when they sniffle... yeah.

i'm sad today.. today is a sad day. why? because it's only 11:40 [or around there] and it feels like it's 3pm. i'm so tired i could cry. :(

another note.

please note that right now crystal and my mail man are the only people who have been nice to me all day. please also note that crystal makes really cool packages.

yay. :)

note

i'm not that impressed with myself. you shouldn't be either.

good morning internet.

you suck.

today

today was interesting.

i got a package from my mom, who is in italy. she sent me a glass beaded necklace. the beads are made by hand and the necklaces are made by hand. it's red.. it's pretty.

i got an e-mail from my uncle at my secret e-mail address [mwahahaha!] who said in no uncertain terms should i be in any protest circles or groups or anything. he works for the government. he's a republican. he is my 5th dad [the others being my brother and my other uncles]. i don't tend to listen to him though 98.9% of the time he's right.

my niece, who is 17 [almost 18], has a boyfriend who is 22 or 23. i don't like that.

i got ditched majorly tonight. i'm pissed but then i got over it when i realized boys really suck and i like women more.

i'm so busy.. but i love you.

i'm so busy. yes. me! i'm busy. but i love everyone. i'm so busy trying to figure out this whole protest thing. there's so much i want to say and so few days to say it all. i'm really scared of getting arrested and all that jazz. i know my uncle will get me out of it but i don't want to get out of anything just 'cus my uncle works for the government. i got my first lesson in "peaceful" protesting today. make your body limp! make your body limp! heh but really it's not that easy.

but yes.. i see all the people linking to me in their blogs but i'm way too tired to even click and read what you're saying about me.

so even if you're saying mean things i still love you. i love you for noticing me and when i get enough time i'll go read what you had to say.

i'm so busy i'm hardly on icq anymore and i'm basically never on AIM. but soon i'll be stuck in here really packing and i'll be fleeing to you guys to catch up. but for now just deal with my posting and not commenting on what you're saying.. really when i get the time i'll send out thousands of e-mails and tons of love. i mean hell i still owe people e-mail from like.. may. :\

i also just found out that someone i really wanted to hang out with when i get home is going to utah to go to college. who goes to utah?       :( but soon enough my young friends..

i'll be back to bother you more often.. i promise.. :)

i've had enough drama for tonight.

i'm not super woman. i can't handle the worlds problems i can't even handle mine most of the time.

i've had enough fucking drama for tonight.

good night.

oh another fucking revelation! yay!

i think a lot of "web-blogs" are funny. there are so many mini comedians out there posting funny conversations and interesting things they see [with hilarious side notes]. i really don't have to link these blogs because to me they're funny but to you they might not be. that's the way life goes.

but the funniest people are people who just can't take a joke. they're the people who stick their nose where it doesn't belong.. hell i do it too.

i think people need to lighten UP. i used to think the media had gotten out of hand with it's "need to know" crap. but i think the "web-blog" has gotten out of hand.

we're all in love with ourselves. we all claim to have low self esteem in some way but when we post to our "web-blogs" we're all in love with ourselves.

we all assume that someone wants to know about our day, personal revelations and linky web finds. i once commented on assuming. it's true.. to assume that you want to know about my life is being arrogant and pretentious. i am claiming more than is due and i am supposing that you care.

but the best part is.. i'm not alone.

*yawn*

i'm working..

i'm busy working on the other parts of the page so right now it's pretty blank everywhere. no that's not the big secret but when the big secret hits you'll either know or you won't.

the fun thing is the people who will find out won't be too excited to find out and those of you that never do find out... it just means that i love you that much more.

could i get more cryptic? yes. :)

so cryptic i am.. yes.

little secrets and private conversations are popping up all over my desktop. do you wanna know a secret? i whisper. do you promise not to tell?

of course they all do but i don't share.

soon enough my young friends.. soon enough.

what a sweet afternoon.

life seems so much simpler today. it's also going to get a lot simpler as the day goes on. if you know why then you know why. if you don't well then you don't.

and if you don't there's a reason for why you don't.

am i confusing you? exactly.

new server, new day, new week... very good.

changing servers was a piece of cake. it was all thanks to aryn. a very heartfelt thank you to ruzz for giving me server space and being ohhh so cordial about the whole thing.

that's all on that. e-mail has changed.. which is ok. i'll change all that tomorrow.. but for now i think sleep is in order. it's way too late to be awake [we all know that means i'll be awake again in two hours haha.]

sleep isn't so simple anymore

it's hot out tonight. not as hot as it might be in the middle of orange county or in palm springs but it's hot. it's hot because i'm just imagining all the weather sam has told me about. the coldest july in 100 years? my brother tells me stories of not having to use the air conditioner he bought and i just want it to stay that way till i get there.

so when i closed my eyes tonight i got lost somewhere between dreaming and reality. my mind tossed and turned and i reached out for something to hold on to but there was only a pillow. there was really no reason to sleep and there still isn't a reason to sleep. it's just not that simple anymore...

the water in my glass has bubbles traveling up the side. i've been drinking glass after glass since i got up because i figured my agitation was due to dehydration. yes.. there are little clear water bubbles.. they don't move too fast but somehow i know they have a purpose..

even those bubbles have more purpose then i do.

where is the rain?

i want it to rain. i want big fat rain drops to fall so slowly from the sky and go plip:plop on the light grey sidewalk outside my apartment. then i want to run outside in a perfect white summer dress with no bra and no underwear and dance forever in the rain. just dance and let the rain press my dress against my skin and plaster my hair to the back of my neck.

i want to feel the heat escape from the ground against my bare feet as i spin around and around and around under the dark cloudy summer sky. the smell of rain on my nostrils and the cool wetness soaking through the fabric of my clothes, plastering my dress against my body.

but this is L.A. and it hasn't rained in months. it had better rain the day after i get to new york.. or the whole world will fall apart. i promise you that.

i think my day got worse once i got home. that's typical isn't it? yeah i think so.

well no ok .. i got to talk to crystal and jason. so perhaps it isnt' that bad. i just want to MOVE MY DAMN WEBSITE.

that's all i wanted to do this weekend. it's not brain surgery is it? it's not a heart transplant. the sooner i'm gone the better life will be for everyone involved. pfft pffft pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

i'm really calm.. that's the surprising part i think. i'm not even angry.. just.. have my feathers ruffled a little i guess.

sigh...

well i didn't really want to be posting anymore until i'd changed servers but i guess i'm at the mercy of ruzz right now. what was that quote my uncle always used... "when someone holds in their hand the thing that means the most to you they hold you by the heart and most importantly by the throat." ?..

today was the most peaceful day of my life, or at least one of them. i spent part of the day sleeping and then i got my ass up and went out to lunch with a few old high school buddies. they were surprised that i had decided to go back to new york but i think everyone is. not that new york isn't my most favorite place but the fact that i'm going back home to live AT home is odd i think.

my grandma is worse it seems, according to my brother, but hopefully she'll make till i get home. she tends to be worse then better then wors but i've taken the sad stance that if she doesn't make it till the 31st of august.. oh well. i've had many long years with her before she got sick and that's what counts the most, i think. i can't sit here and be sad that she lived so long and now it's all coming to an end, ya know?

i'm going to join some rowdy [or not so rowdy] protests at the DNC so if you see me on the news or something of that nature don't be alarmed. i just feel the need to do something, ya know? if my posts go blank for a few days and no one sees me online then i might be in jail. oh the shame i'll bring on my ultra conservative uncle. but that's not my point. my point is that ... my parents had a cause.. almost every generation before mine had a cause. what's our cause? i don't really see one .. but i want one for myself.

this reads more like a journal entry but i think that was the point.. i don't want to invest time in a journal entry when i plan on changing the whole layout when i move servers..... when is the key word there. it may not seem important for some people.. but it is important to me to get somewhere i feel i belong and i feel safe. kinda like the whole "i need a cause thing." kinda like my whole moving back to new york thing.

oh well i guess i just have to wait.