lots of people got married today.

did i mention that? at least two couples that i do know and and three couples that i don't know got hitched today.

i'm not that old so marriage isn't the first thing on my list. but as people keep getting fucking married i think about it. one of the people i know that got married today i actually tutored when she was failing french.

now she's married and i'm living AT HOME LIKE A LOSER.

yeah i know the whole "i'm living AT HOME LIKE A LOSER." thing is going to get me some negative comments but i said that -i- feel like a loser. i never said anyone else was a loser for living at home. so don't get me started.

but i don't really think i'll ever get married. there's that whole commitment thing i don't think i know how to deal with. it's kinda like this "woah! we're a couple?" thing that comes over me at a certain point in a relationship [usually after i've cheated on the person or at least thought about cheating] and so due to that i doubt i'll ever get married.

i think i'm too much of a "hippie" to get married ...

or maybe just too much of a loser. heh.

saturday night tapioca.

no one is home this weekend but me.

so what does that mean?

it means all of my friends and i pile into the kitchen and make lots of stuff to eat and we don't eat any of it.

what we made [cus i know you want to know]:

tapioca pudding [i love it]
fake chili [steven likes BEANS]
brownies with walnuts [sam, of course.]
grilled cheesieeee sammiches [lucie face likes cheese]
long island iced tea [cus nicole is an alcoholic]

so now i'm all stuffed and no one wants to leave my house.

they're making my ferrets dizzy. don't you wish you were here? yes. you wish you were here. YES YOU DO DAMNIT. geez.

..

i want to be a rockstar.

so it ends up that when i say i want to stay home i don't and i go out and act like a crazy fool.

a bunch of people were home for columbus day [what a great fucking holiday right?] and so we went out and saw almost famous. let me tell you that i wish i could be a rockstar or a groupie or a band-aid or something. some scenes in that movie made me want to go to a concert or do something cool with my life.

but instead i ended up in a smokey car laughing my ass off and singing elton john songs.

sounds cool but no.. it wasn't THAT cool.

you want to go where?

it seems that during the worst situations in my life my friends pop up and want to go "somewhere".

but where is "somewhere"? to my friends "somewhere" is anywhere. we'll get in the car and drive somewhere. most of the time we wind up in the pizza parlor winking at people for free pizza. it's not even like we're poor and can't pay for it. it's just nice to get free stuff for being cute.

cute not sexy. no one in this town is sexy. we are not a sexy town.

but tonight i feel like staying right HERE and not doing anything.

anyone want to join me? i've got cookies and milk. we can watch some bad made for televison teeveee and throw my ferrets on the bed over and over until they get dizzy.

i know you all want to come over. the cookies and ferrets are so exciting.

...

dog hair on my pants.

at the place i work it's on this 'farm' of sorts. it's like an art farm, i swear. there are all these odd sculptures [and hot guys] all around us. the people who own the land do the sculptures and they're very interesting people. but they have these dogs and they're very much "hippie" dogs. they love to be petted and loved. but they always get dog hair on my pants. bleh..

today was also a sad day because one of the really hot guys who work on the "art farm" is leaving to go build boats. so i shouldn't be admiring hot guys because well i have a boyfriend but still...yeah.

can anyone also explain to me why AIM doesn't work for me anymore? it's a piece of SHIT.

when i'm done working i'm going to do something with my p.o.s website. maybe. oh and i actually gave in and bought myself a freaking cd. i haven't bought anything fo myself in forever.

oh did i mention next weekend is my birthday? yes. yes it is. don't forget to send me birthday love. [october 14th, don't forget it.]

yeah...

i think i've already lost you
i think you're already gone.
i think i'm finally scared now
you think i'm weak
but i think you're wrong.

i'm not a really big ass fan of pop music. i never really have been and i probably won't ever be one. but this morning, laying in bed i heard this song. it's by matchbox 20 [sue me] but it's so my anthem of life. i swear.

especially today.

nannie nannie boo boo

my mommy buys me cookies when i'm sick and she doesn't buy YOU any!

:P~

am i going crazy....

i swear i saw that guy danny from the real world on dawson's creek tonight.

YES ASSHOLE I WAS WATCHING DAWSON'S CREEK.

but that guy danny from the real world new orleans was on the show. he is gay on the real world and straight on dawson's creek.

i also want to be joey potter. why? cus then i could be a senior in high school again and make out with pacey. talk about hot? yes HOT. i think some 24 or whatever yearold guy playing a 17 yearold on a crappy teenage drama is HOT. I WANT HIM.

thank you that is all for now.

if i owe you e-mail...

forgive me.

i promise i'm not ignoring any of you.

i just have this job thing and it requires me to do stuff and .. yeah. :\

what a dork i am...

i always forget that people other then my close friends read this.

but if i did that i'd just close up more and my whole life would be spent in this box pushing out little tiny pieces of paper at all of you.

sometimes ...

... you just want to be beautiful. there are days when you want to wake up, glance in the mirror and be shocked by your reflection because you are beautiful. you want men to stop dead in their tracks because your beauty shocks them and you want every women who gazes at you from across the room to be so sick with jealousy they hide their faces behind their hands.

but i'm not talking about a great smile, smooth milky white skin or perfect breasts.

some days you just want to be beautiful inside, perfectly beautiful. you want your name to be said and people to think great things about you. you want your face to pop into someone's head and have them smile. you want your voice to ring in someone's ears and have them remember what great conversations you both have together.

i know i probably don't elicit any of those emotions in many people. that makes me both depressed and restless. i know i can't change people's minds about me. maybe one day i'll let everyone know me. maybe one day i'll let everyone see me.

until then i guess i have to deal with the fact that i'll never be beautiful to anyone... on the outside or the inside.

something has to make sense one day..

there's one way you can get my attention: ignore me.
there's one way to piss me off: ignore me.
there's one way to make me cry: ignore me.
there's one way to make me laugh [at you]: ignore me.

so it doesn't make sense does it?

but in actuality it does make sense. there are some people who when they ignore me get my attention. there are other people who when they ignore me piss me off. there are some people when they ignore me actually make me cry and the rest of the people who "ignore" me make me laugh because i really don't care if they talk to me or not.

but the thing is you never really know if someone is ignoring you unless you're in their presence so this whole post is basically pointless and i'm going to blame it on the flu that is ravaging my body.

yeah.

weekends.. bleh.

there are some days when i promise myself that i'm just going to sit here and do nothing. i tell myself that i'm going to sleep till 12 pm, sit at the computer for half the day and watch bad made for tv movies for the rest of the day.

but those plans never ever work and i find myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off.