hmm

for the record let it be known that i'm not ok. funny how things can change.

oh visit eric, he's nice.

ahh.

don't assume i'm ok.

let me tell you that i'm ok.

i'm fucking ok man. really i am. i'm so fucking ok. and i'm saying that with a big ass smile because for the first time in the last few weeks..

i'm ok.

and it's really an insane feeling that i can't describe. it's.. crazy. just like me.

i really am crazy

please ignore previous post. in reality i was insane. i was at work. i was yelling at some stupid cgi script and trying to make sense of my own html. sad: the fact that my html is so messy i can't even understand it.

but there is really something that needs to be said about working with real design people. it seems these days that people think they if they can make a few crappy images in photoshop, put together a few tables, make a few break tags and throw some randomly hosed php or asp stuff then hey you're a web designer! but no. you're not. NO really.. YOU ARE NOT. it takes much more than the ability to know that red clashes with pink [yes red clashes with pink. we are not creating a todd oldham or betsy johnson web page here] to say you have design sense.

i hate going to websites and being sick and wondering "are these people blind??" and then the big question is.. "how much did you charge your client for this web page from hell?" i mean really.. some people are so .. argh!

html whores is what they are. they open up dreamweaver or adobe go live [haha that program SUCKS] and they use some crap and create more crap from the helpful buttons on the side and really the page looks like it was kicked in the nuts when you view it in netscape. which pisses me off. i hate when people say "oh fuck netscape" it's like saying "oh fuck the client." you're not creating a webpage for you to wank off at.. you're creating a web page for money, for someone else. someone other then yourself. god! argh!

can you tell i've had an impossible day at work? and it's not anything to do with my boss or the work or anything like that. she's great the work is so fucking easy. i just.. i hate HTML. i hate it today. it's so pointless. if i didn't have blogger i wouldn't even have a webpage. i'd just fill my hard drive up with this crap.

but now it is time for my three hour, post work.. bath.

do not mind my ranting.. or my raving. i am fine. just tired.

i'm so tired but i don't really care.

at work we listen to NPR.. you know.. the diane rehm show or public interest with what's his face, kojo nnamdi. don't worry if you don't know who he is or she is. don't worry if you don't know what the hell NPR is. i won't hold it against you.

but i enjoy it when i'm tired because i hear things only half the time. my boss is australian and we talk about the sad affair of american politics and ideals. i enjoy it because she sees all the stuff i see. she's older than i am. so i know i'm not crazy.

or maybe all australians are crazy and she's crazy and that makes me crazy. but really she's not crazy, just a little tense. but we're all tense around here.. we think that the diane rehm show and kojo nnamdi make us less tense because we're learning something but in reality it doesn't. all we hear is the bad news and the bad stuff and that just makes us more tense. but we like to dilute our emotions around here.. at least i do. i don't think dianne does.

but she gets to go out to lunch and i get to stay here with the big monitor and my cold garden burger and my orange juice in my ceramic mug. so maybe it's the driving and getting out of here tha makes her not insane and makes me insane. maybe it's the layout i keep having to fix for this stupid vanishing textiles site. all the updating just when i think i'm done is going to kill me.

i'm insane.

are you picking me up today? you.. you know who you are. are you? because i'd like to see you.. just call. i'll be here. i'll be here with my ceramic mug i drink too much juice and water out of. the one you bought for me on sunday.

i'm really tired. can any one tell? i really do sound insane don't i.. but really.. i'm not. i'm just tired. i was up late. were you? maybe you were.